I Am Jack's Raging Mommy

Um, Go Away?

2006-08-01T16:12:00.000-05:00

What are you doing here? You forgot to fix your Blogroll, didn't you?
Get out of here!
Go HERE.

Shoo.

Go now.

Really.

Show's over.

Just a note

2006-07-26T17:14:00.000-05:00

I will continue to ping this site until everyone can update their Blogrolls. If you get a notice I have updated just click on through to the new site http://jacksragingmommy.com.

trumpets

2006-07-20T21:06:00.000-05:00

So it's a bit like dressing up for a dance in junior high, thinking that if people see you looking different then they will suddenly realize the treasure they had in their midst the whole time without seeing it.

A bit.

I am proud to announce the launch of I Am Jack's Raging Mommy on it's new, "real" webpage. Flippy and Leigh-Ann have provided me with free hosting, and my ex is paying for the domain name. (He's so my bitch)

So change all your blogrolls, and links (and button codes) over to the new url at http://www.jacksragingmommy.com . It'll be easy enough to do, just drop the .blogspot from your existing link.

I'm still working on figuring out Word Press coding and themes and all that craziness, which you'll be able to tell as soon as you look at my links page.
Existing comments from this site didn't transfer over, so show me some love so I don't feel so lonely over there :)

What is it good for?

2006-07-20T09:48:00.000-05:00

I was watching the footage of the Marines evacuating US citizens right now, and they were saying the White House wants to send troops in.
What troops? We barely have what they want for Iraq! Are they going to move the troops over? That isn't what they signed on to fight. People have already been told that their terms are indefinite and now they is an entirely different war they are supposed to fight?
If they don't do that are they just going to start drafting people? I personally will start a convoy to Canada if it comes to that.

What people often don't realize (The following is an opinion/theory of mine. You may disagree or be pissed off. Sorry about that) is that we "won" WWI and WWII because we went in after they'd already been going for a while and we had fresh supplies and troops. We are already stretched thin on those things due to Iraq. We'd be highly ineffectual and run a huge risk of making things worse for our own country. We can't even provide armor for the troops already in action. What are we supposed to use for any troops we might send to Lebanon?

Then there's the question of why are people like Newt Gingrich so fucking eager for this to turn into WWIII? I feel like he's a Japanese Schoolgirl at an N*Sync concert he seems so gleeful about all this. He wants President Bush to officially declare it. Perhaps Newt will change his stance on female combatants. There aren't any jungle swamps for the women to be in for over thirty days so the hygiene problems shouldn't arise. God I despise that man. I have ever since I lived in Georgia, long before he became speaker of the house under Clinton.

The whole thing is making me sick. I've honestly been terrified for Jack for the last few days. What kind of world did I bring him into? He's only a baby! I have no idea what kind of future he'll have and that scares me. I've been seriously contemplating Canada for while now. If they do chose to reinstate the draft I may just do it. Hey Jen? Do you know the rules for becoming a citizen?

I know that I am likely overreacting, on 9/11 one of my first reactions was "Oh my God! We just saw WWIII start".
I desperately want to be wrong.

Sweet Dreamscapes. (My puns suck. I am not Joel Siegel)

2006-07-19T21:46:00.000-05:00

Just a short note to say that I am immensely diggning Nightmares and Dreamscapes . I am a huge fan of Stephen King but the movie adaptations are usually crap. (Excepting Brian De Palma's Carrie, and Kubrick's The Shining. )
So I didn't really have high expectaions, but I had very high hopes. Luckily it's great and I'm in heaven. With Nightmares. So many bad puns.

Should have my news for you soon. Free JRM Loves Me button for anyone who can guess it. Flippy doesn't get to play since she already has a button and already knows my news. Have fun playing!

Squee!

2006-07-18T20:48:00.000-05:00

Very big (for me) very cool (again, for me) news coming soon here at Jack's Raging Mommy.
Stay tuned!

That's Queer

2006-07-17T20:37:00.000-05:00

I saw a preview for a fall series (Vanished) on Fox a little bit ago (I am watching Hell's Kitchen ) and I was thinking "Who is that guy? It's not Mal, but it looks kind of like him. I know who this is! Man! This is bugging me."
So I looked him up...
It's Gale Harold, formerly my man Brian on Queer As Folk.
Totally messed with my head. Not something I expected to see him doing, but I am really excited now, almost as much as if it had been Nathan Fillion.

Sunday Confessional

2006-07-16T19:18:00.000-05:00

I've decided to not sit on my ass crying any more, and to dispense with the confessions.
My goal for this is that every Sunday I will confess something I am usually too ashamed to talk about, or that I haven't gotten around to yet, or whatever.

I've been depressed the last few days (this isn't the confession) and I wasn't going to do this, because I didn't feel like posting if I couldn't talk about something real. Then I said, Fuck It. I can talk about something real without it being something that makes me weep, and I'm sick of being a prisoner to my computer anyway.

So TAH DAH!
My very first confession. I hope you like it.

My name is Maleah.

Despite what you may read on the internet, Maleah is an Americanized spelling of the Hawaiian name Malia (or Melia- I've seen both), which means Mary.

Back in the day Bing Crosby's brother Bob had a dance band and his daughter, Maleah June, was the singer. (Oddly enough I was also born in June)
My grandmother loved the name, but her first husband wouldn't let her use it, which is why I have an Aunt Marlene.
She told my mother the name and voila! I am Maleah.
I was almost Maleah Wave, but that is another story entirely.

So now you know, and you prolly understand a little better why at first I chose not to use my name. When paired with my last name (maiden or married) I am the only one. Which is really cool when you think about it.

2006-07-14T10:04:00.000-05:00

I had a very bad evening last night.
Weeping, wailing, the whole nine yards.
Bad bad bad.
I don't want to talk about it.
believe it or not there are actually things I don't talk about on here. I know. So now you are wondering how bad it is that I wont talk about it. But really, it's not all that bad, it's just that... well, I don't want to talk about it.

I'm not sure why I am even bringing this up, except that maybe I might not be around for a few days. I need to get out of this depressive patch.
But I'm okay, I promise.

BlogHer Envy

2006-07-13T11:17:00.000-05:00

I'm not going to BlogHer.
Don't get me wrong, I want to go. I want to go so much I am already having jealousy pangs when I read who is going. And who gets to speak, and on and on.
I want to go! I want to meet these women I like so much. I want to hear them speak. I want to be good enough that I could be asked to speak. But alas I am none of these things.
I can't afford to go, I don't have any one to watch Jack. Though if I could afford to go I'd just take Jack and use the nifty BlogHer day care they have this year. I could show him off, and people could see that I'm not exaggerating when I say how cute, and brilliant, and amazing he is. Cause he totally is!
Then again, if I didn't bring Jack I could drink. Well, actually, it'd be better if I didn't drink. No one would ever speak to me again if they met nervous, drunk JRM. Trust me on this one. So taking Jack would be like protection, and a buffer so people would think I'm cooler than I am.
But it's moot, because I don't get to go.

And I'm jealous.
As hell.

I don't want to be one of those girls who whined and bitched all over the internet last year about being left out of the Mean Girls sleepover. I know anyone can go. I know it's not a club and that these women aren't the bitches back in high school. I don't hate anyone for getting to go, or for talking about getting to go.
It's the fact that I don't hate them that makes me want to be able to go so much. I admire so many of these women so much. It's kind of like those heterosexual girl crushes I used to get when I would have sever cases of hero worship back in High School. Something about large groups of women always make me feel like I am in High School again. I'm sure a therapist could have a field day with that one.
A therapist could have fun with a lot of things about me, really.

Have I mentioned lately that I'm a terribly insecure person?

But the point really is that I am very happy for everyone, and really excited, I am just also really, really green.

Tags: BlogHer, jealousy

Goddamn Blogger

2006-07-13T10:33:00.000-05:00

This shit is really starting to fucking piss me off.
Part of my template is gone again. Luckily I had some things saved since the last time, but not everything.
I can't really justify paying for hosting though, so right now I'm stuck.
FUCK.

Guess what this is

2006-07-12T18:02:00.000-05:00

Because I know you want to know

2006-07-12T16:26:00.000-05:00

Odd bodily problems I have right now:

Swollen lip where I bit the crap out of it. Then, you worry it with your tongue and it never heals. Don't you hate that?
Pain in my left boob. I should perhaps worry about this one.
My left eye has been twitching all day. I wonder if it's connected to the boob thing.
Giant red zit on my nose. GIANT. I should get Joe to take a picture of it. (Edited to add: Attempts to take a photo of the zit ended in my rolling on the kitchen floor in hysterical laughter. )
Scabs from blisters on my feet from the heels at the wedding. I'd take pictures of them, but that's just going too far.
Several torn up cuticles. I bite my nails when drunk.
Strange zit like bump-thing on the back of my ~~back~~ neck that never actually changes. I should have that looked at.

Books

2006-07-11T16:21:00.000-05:00

I am a reader. There was a year, when I was 11 perhaps, that I read Francis Hodgson Burnett's A Little Princess every night before bed. The entire book. I would be thrilled when a new Babysitter's Club book came out, and be done half an hour later. I've always known that others didn't read as fast as I did, it took me a lot longer to realize that there were people who didn't read at all.

What? How is that possible? How many things were better than cracking open a book, either a new venture or an old friend and getting lost in their worlds? In junior high I was already a college level reader, and read anything I could. I read Roots and the unabridged Les Miserables in the seventh grade. I tried reading Wuthering Heights that year as well, but it wasn't until High School that I was able to get into it, and have now read it and Jane Eyre over 15 times each.

This year after seeing all these read 50 books in a year challenges that came out when people were starting to break their New Year's resolutions. Fifty books? Well, that's approximately a book a week. It's a great plan for most people, especially people who have never thought of themselves as readers . This could open a whole new world for them, and maybe I could find some other addicts.

So without setting a specific number goal for myself I made the goal of keeping track of how many books I read throughout the year, and what those books were. Two weeks ago I finished book number 100, Riding The Bus With My Sister. I am now on book number 109. I own over two thousand books, and there are a few I haven't read, mostly non-fiction treatises into different cultural groups. I'm fascinated by anthropology, but fiction will always be my first love.

I have certain writers I always return to; Orson Scott Card, Maeve Binchy, Steven King, Alice Hoffman, Alice Walker, Kurt Vonnegut, Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman round out the top few. These are the books I turn to when in a certain mood, or have read all my library acquisitions for the week. These are the people whose characters and creations I can become so absorbed in, so at home with, that I view them as friends.

It makes me sad when others don't have this passion for reading. A teacher I had in the fourth grade complained to my mother that I would read in class when done with my assignments before the other students. My parents removed me from that school system not long after. I had an ex who was so disturbed by how much and how quickly that I read that he would put me down about it. I never understood that hostility, but I did understand enough not to marry him. For a while I was a closeted reader, not telling people how much I read, and not sharing the names of books who had touched me on a deep level. This made me sad, until I realized that being ashamed of reading was preposterous. Now when someone notices I have a different book than the day before I admit I finished the other rather than claiming I gave up on it. When I finished The Dark Tower in less than a day I announced it from the blogtops.

My reading, my love of books and words has played a large part in creating the wonderfully quirky, and trivia filled woman I've become. I've already started in on the boys too. Going to the library is seen as a treat, and book readings are often requested at any given weekend we have visitation with my step-son. We give books to our nieces and nephews, and donate to libraries and book drives.
My greatest dream is the day that all kids beg for books instead of new Game-Boys or PSPs.
Let's make it happen.

Bitch

2006-07-09T21:23:00.000-05:00

I play poker every day, and Suzan just kicked my ass.
Not cool :)
It's on now beyotch!

What a day

2006-07-09T16:12:00.000-05:00

Suzan is one of my favorite people. She lets me babble at her when I'm drunk, and we are going to play poker, and we totally would have gone to see Clerks II together if it weren't for the pesky 12 hour drive between us.

So she hooked me up with the template code for my archives and recent posts that I was missing. The code was fine, it worked, my preview looked perfect. So somewhere between successfully previewing the page and the save change step, I deleted almost all of my template. To the point where all you could see was raw code.

First I tried using a cached page from Google, but it didn't show any new posts and every time you saw Jack's Raging Mommy on the page it was highlighted from the Blogger search. So I copied that code to save my personalizations, and assigned a new Blogger template entirely.

I spent the next few hours reapplying my HaloScan comments, link lists, Blogroll, etc.

Which is why I currently have boring basic Blogger template, because I am a little too terrified to adjust the background settings right now.
It also has kept me from starting my Sunday confessional series, which I think you'll like, but I'm too sick of blogging right now to start.

The End.

June Books

2006-07-08T11:29:00.000-05:00

The Prize Winner of Defiance Ohio- Terry Ryan
I Am Legend- Richard Matheson
Under the Skin- Michael Faber
The Worthing Saga- Orson Scott Card*
One Door Away From Heaven- Dean Koontz
Doomsday Book- Connie Willis*
To Say Nothing Of the Dog- Connie Willis*
Memoirs of an Unfit Mother- Anne Robinson
A Hat Full Of Sky- Terry Pratchett
Nine Stories- JD Salinger*
The Life an Humor of Rosie O'Donnell- Gloria Goodman (Written before she came out, not the bio I was hoping for)
Thud- Terry Pratchett
Property Of- Alice Hoffman
Riding the Bus With My Sister- Rachel Simon (Book #100 for the year)
Blackbird House- Alice Hoffman
The Stranger House- Reginald Hill
The Best Of Cemetary Dance Vol. 1- Edited By Richard Cizmar
From The Dust Returned- Ray Bradbury
Mara and Dann- Doris Lessing

* re-read

I am so the coolest!

2006-07-07T13:41:00.000-05:00

I just won my first (play money) tournament on Party Poker after only one day of tournament play. I've also placed in the top three four other times.
I'm so tempted to buy into an inexpensive tournament. There are some on Poker Stars that only cost around $5.
Who needs professional blogging. I could just gamble!
(Yes, I have an addictive personality. Oh? You could tell? I'm surprised)

I rock!

Whoa!

2006-07-06T21:52:00.000-05:00

I wondered when she first filed for divorce what was up. I thought cheating. I was wrong.

Kathy Griffin is divorcing Matt because he was stealing from her.

And the Season begins!

2006-07-06T11:17:00.000-05:00

So the Emmys made the new nomination rules this year, to be more all inclusive. It's been referred to as "The Lauren Graham Rule" and naturally she and the show were snubbed. If I didn't love awards shows so much I wouldn't watch. But I do, so I will.
These are my thoughts.

The Emmy nominees:

Animated Program Camp Lazlo, Family Guy, Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends, The Simpsons, South Park

Um. Does anyone else see something very incongruous in this category? I mean, between Adult Swim and Saturday morning there are enough shows to have separate children and adult categories.

Casting, Comedy Series Desperate Housewives, Entourage, My Name Is Earl, Weeds

When Desperate Housewives first premiered it was touted as a drama. The Emmys nominated it as a comedy last year (which I thought far more appropriate) and this last season showed it in the writing. But this is about ensemble cast, so I have to go with Earl. They had a far more ensemble feel than DH did this season.

Casting, Drama Series Big Love, Boston Legal, Grey's Anatomy, House, Lost

Looking at actual casting and not just the ensemble aspect, I have to go with Big Love. I think that ensemble acting I give to Grey's Anatomy. No wait, Big Love. Ack! Big Love. Final answer.

Directing, Comedy The Comeback, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Entourage (2 eps), My Name Is Earl, Weeds

Directing? I'd have to know what episodes were nominated. Overall I am going to say Weeds, but I don't watch CYE or Entourage (though I did watch it in the beginning, I just hated it)

Directing, Drama Big Love, Lost, Six Feet Under, The Sopranos (2 eps), 24, The West Wing

Big Love. I ADORE Lost and West Wing, don't get me wrong, but Big Love is some of the best TV ever.

Lead Actor, Comedy Larry David, Kevin James (King of Queens), Tony Shalhoub (Monk), Steve Carell (The Office), Charlie Sheen (Two and a Half Men)

I would rather see Shaloub get it, but it's a show preference. I am just not that big on The Office. Larry David is being himself, and really, so are Charlie Sheen and Kevin James.

Lead Actor, Drama Christopher Meloni (Law and Order SVU), Denis Leary (Rescue Me), Peter Krause (Six Feet Under), Kiefer Sutherland (24), Martin Sheen (The West Wing)

Again, love me some West Wing, but this wasn't an important season for Sheen, so I am going with Chris Meloni who I think I might like in an unhealthy way. I like Dennis Leary, but Rescue Me lost a lot of it's charms for me last season, and what I've seen so far this year, they aren't back.

Lead Actress, Comedy Lisa Kudrow (The Comeback), Jane Kaczmarek (Malcolm in the Middle), Julia Louis-Dreyfuss (The New Adventures of Old Christine), Stockard Channing (Out of Practice), Debra Messing (Will and Grace)

Who it should be: Jane Kaczmarek. Who it will be? Messing as a goodbye to W&G.

Where the hell is Lauren Graham?

Lead Actress, Drama Kyra Sedgwick (The Closer), Geena Davis (Commander in Chief), Mariska Hargitay (Law and Order: SVU), Frances Conroy (Six Feet Under), Allison Janney (The West Wing)

Kyra Sedgewick. I would love to see Allison Janney win, and she may since it's the last year of the West Wing, but Sedgewick deserves it.

Supporting Actor, Comedy Will Arnett (Arrested Development), Jeremy Piven (Entourage), Bryan Cranston (Malcolm in the Middle), Jon Cryer (Two and a Half Men), Sean Hayes (Will and Grace)

Will Arnett. Bryan Cranston in second, but I don't think either of them will get it.

Supporting Actor, Drama William Shatner (Boston Legal), Oliver Platt (Huff), Michael Imperioli (Sopranos), President Logan (24), Alan Alda (West wing)

Alan Alda. Or Oliver Platt. Just dear GOD not Shatner.

Supporting Actress, Comedy Cheryl Hines (Curb), Alfre Woodard (Desperate Housewives), Jaime Pressly (Earl), Elizabeth Perkins (Weeds), Megan Mullally (Will and Grace)

I have to pick Elizabeth Perkins, though I would get such a kick out of seeing Jaime Pressly win. That would be a hoot.

Supporting Actress, Drama Candice Bergen (Boston Legal), Sandra Oh (Grey's Anatomy), Chandra Wilson (Grey's Anatomy), Blythe Danner (Huff), Jean Smart (24)

This is tough. I share the Emmy's hard-on for Oh, but Chandra Wilson rocked so hard on Grey's. Can they tie?

Guest Actor, Comedy Patrick Stewart (Extras), Ben Stiller (Extras), Martin Sheen (Two and a Half Men), Alec Baldwin (Will and Grace), Leslie Jordan (Will and Grace)

Since I've seen none of the performances I am going to pick Patrick Stewart. Just cause that would rock.

Guest Actor, Drama Michael J Fox (Boston Legal), Christian Clemenson (Boston Legal), James Woods (ER), Kyle Chandler (Grey's Anatomy), Henry Ian Cusick (Lost)

Desmond! Desmond!

Guest Actress, Comedy Shirley Knight (Desperate Housewives), Kate Winslet (Extras), Cloris Leachman (Malcolm in the Middle), Laurie Metcalf (Monk), Blythe Danner (Will and Grace)

Kate Winslet.

Guest Actress, Drama Kate Burton (Grey's Anatomy), Christina Ricci (Grey's Anatomy), Swoosie Kurtz (Huff), Patricia Clarkson (Six Feet Under), Joanna Cassidy (Six Feet Under)

I had to look up Kate Burton on IMDB, then I decided on Ricci.

Comedy Series Arrested Development, Curb Your Enthusiasm, The Office, Scrubs, Two and a Half Men

Where are The Gilmore Girls? Fine then. Scrubs. But I'm still pissed.

Drama Series Grey's Anatomy, House, The Sopranos, 24, The West Wing

Grey's Anatomy, easy. But where are Big Love, and Nip/Tuck.

Music/Variety/Comedy Series The Colbert Report, The Daily Show, Late Night with Conan O'Brien, Late Show with David Letterman, Real Time with Bill Maher

Daily Show. Colbert's too painful too watch because he's so convincing. Then again, maybe that means he should win.

Reality Show Antiques Roadshow, The Dog Whisperer, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List, Penn and Teller: Bullshit

Bullshit! Not only because it's amazing, but because I want to hear them announce Bullshit! as a winner.

Writing, Comedy Series Arrested Development, Entourage, Extras, My Name is Earl, The Office

Arrested Development. Or Earl, but the writing was better on AD

Writing, Drama Series Grey's Anatomy (two noms), Lost, Six Feet Under, The Sopranos

Grey's. This season was mindblowing television.

What do you think? Who got left out (other than Lauren Graham) that has you pissed off? In what ways am I utterly wrong?
Let's hash this out folks!

Stupid Hiltons

2006-07-05T11:04:00.000-05:00

This is a story of how the Doubletree Inn and Suites in Omaha, NE is a terrible hotel. Now, my sister-in-law paid for the room, all $85 a night for god knows how many family members. Since I didn't have to pay perhaps I shouldn't complain, but I see it as since she put out so much money the experience should not have been as bad as it was.

For me, the first bad sign, and the worst thing, it that there was no WiFi. None. The Super 8 in Rolla has WiFi. The Iowa rest stops and welcome center had WiFi. But a major, and expensive hotel in Omaha doesn't? I could have opted to pay a daily rate to use their dial-up, but to hell with that.

Right after I found out there was no WiFi another of my sisters-in-law came to the desk to get her meal tickets. (We got free breakfast buffet. More on that later) The clerk wouldn't give her tickets for her kids, since the computer only showed two people in the room. Now listen, if you aren't going to register kids since they are free, that's one thing, but then you aren't going to feed them? They also charged her $25 for a rollaway bed. $25 fucking dollars for a ROLLAWAY? If only this were all.

Now, I will point out that the people at the checkout desk were very nice, and professional and helpful. They were almost the only people in the hotel who were, but I do want to make it clear that so far my beef is with hotel policy and not the desk staff. The breakfast staff was another story altogether. The hostess was rude and dismissive, the servers wouldn't take our drink orders, so I had to ask a busboy. Then when I got my milk there was something severely wrong with the flavor. It wasn't spoiled, I know from spoiled milk. This had something added to it. My best guess was orange juice, but that's only because I don't want to think about how much worse the possibilities are. I've seen Fight Club after all. The food itself on the buffet was seriously sub-standard.

Our room was decent enough, and clean, and we got the requested extra pillows (Joe and I sleep using an obscene amount of pillows) but the showerhead was hanging half out of the wall, the TV Consisted of 4 ESPN channels, Fox News, two local network channels and HBO. Local phone calls cost $1.25, and there were fines for using a calling card as well. There was a bottle of Aquafina in the bathroom, with a tag that made you aware it cost $4.
Since we had my computer in the room, and all our other belongings, we chose to not have the maids clean up. So we put up the Do Not Disturb sign and told them in person we didn't wish to have our room cleaned. Yep. They did it anyway. And yes, we have gotten to the point in the story where I'm even complaining about my room being cleaned.

Despite the room being $85 a night (before taxes and fees) we still had to pay $6 a night for parking, all of us had problems with the key cards not working properly, the phones didn't work, it would take 5 minutes for anyone to answer at guest services when they did work.... the whole thing just really sucked. I'd blame Paris (Doubletree is a Hilton hotel) but God knows that she hasn't ever done any real work for the company.
I filled out the little customer (dis)satisfaction survey, but nothing will ever come of that. So I decided to use what little influence I have on the internet to encourage all of you to avoid the Hilton Family chain of hotels the next time you have to travel. I know I wont stay in one again.

Lazy

2006-07-04T17:33:00.000-05:00

I am so lazy, and unmotivated, but I owe you at least one post about the trip, and I really should get around to writing it, but I don't wanna.

So I changed my Template.
Yay!

Well, hi there!

2006-07-03T08:52:00.000-05:00

So we're back, and we were hungover as predicted. That will happen when you have open bars two nights in a row. (Not to mention hitting the hotel bar afterwards. God how we drank)

I think I'm going to have to break it up in to a couple posts to tell all about it, the two main themes right now being how much Doubletree Inn and Suites in Omaha sucks donkey balls(there's a reason there was no drunken blogging), and how much I hate being an in-law. (I don't hate my in-laws, but both I and the other in-law present felt very marginalized during the whole thing)

Jack apparently had a great weekend and didn't miss me at all. My mom dropped him off yesterday and I didn't get greeted with smiles or him reaching for me and saying hi. He just kind of looked at me like, "Oh, there she is. All right then." and then when my mom left he started to cry. Once he saw Joe he started to smile and say hi and ran over to him. I'm so loved.

Mostly I am just glad to be home, to have my baby and my own bed, and to not be in heels anymore. My feet are still sore, and I have so many blisters it's freaky. Not to mention the toe that lost circulation and was basically asleep for a whole day. My poor feet :(

How were your weekends? I guess I should actually go read some blogs now and find out.

My Next Few Days

2006-06-27T21:01:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow (Wednesday) :Watching my 2 1/2 year old neice and Jack while Joe works overtime.
Thursday: See above, and packing
Friday: Drop off neice and Jack with my mother. Drive 7 hours to Omaha. Attend rehersal dinner (requires application of makeup and heels)
Saturday: Attend wedding (see above re: makeup and heels)
Sunday: Drive 7 hours home (most likely hungover) and pick up Jack.
Monday: Wake up at crack of dawn when Joe returns to work.

Have I mentioned how much I admire moms with more that one at home?

OH. MY. GOD.

2006-06-27T08:54:00.000-05:00

The Daddle
I couldn't make this shit up. I'm just not that twisted.

Redefined

2006-06-25T22:22:00.000-05:00

For ten years I've referred to Thomas as "The Sperm Donor", "The Asshole Who Knocked Me Up", "The Asshole Who Knocked Me Up And Abandoned Me", and "The Asshole Who Knocked Me Up And Abandoned Me Then Hid With The Assistance Of His Parents" with "Sociopath" thrown in randomly for flavor.

My reality for this time has been that he took off and hid from me and his responsibilities. No doubt this has colored my memories of him, and how I've felt about him over the years. Now it would seem that this reality is false.

It's hard for me to accept that. I have a distrust that has been colored and built by what has been my reality for almost a decade. I can't just let go of that and take things at face value. However, many of the things I am hearing lead me to want to trust him.
Then again, I've always been far too trusting a person, to the detriment of my mental health and growth as a person. So what do I trust? I can't trust my instincts, because I'm receiving messages from them on about four different wavelengths.

I could chose to implicitly believe what Thomas is telling me, but that requires a level of trust that I don't know I can produce. Sure, I want to believe him, I have my own reasons for feeling that what I am being told is highly plausible, but I also know I'm not the best judge of character.

I want him to be able to have contact with my son, and so do my son's parents. I want it to be good, and stable, and reliable and I'm terrified that he'll disappear into the mists again. I literally had no idea where he was for almost a decade. I had every reason to believe he was living in Africa. Not only do I not want to deal with all that again, I am feircely determined my son should never suffer in that way. Right now he has no sense of loss, because Thomas has never been a presesnce. But should he chose to make himself known and then flake out, it would be unforgiveable and most likely make me homicidal once again.

I'm not saying all this for you all to hate him, or rip into him. Right now I have every reason to beleive he is going to be responsible, and follow through. I'm just terrified that I'll be wrong, again.

Catharsis?

2006-06-24T15:12:00.000-05:00

My oldest son's biological father has contacted me.
Over the past several hours I've gone through too many stages of emotions to list.
I am currently at cautious acceptance.
I've notified my son's mother, she's gone through some of them along with me.

It's been ten years (minus a few months) since I last had any contact with him.
There's distrust, naturally. I don't know that I can take the word of someone who abandoned me in that situation at face value.
I thought I'd gotten past my need for closure, but as I examine all the feelings that have been stirred up I wonder if I still need it after all.

My biggest problem is that in none of our contact so far has he apologized, or asked about the child we created.

SMRT

2006-06-23T13:49:00.000-05:00

I deleted half of my template. I don't know how I did this, I am not sure when I did this, but this I did.
I can probably cobble something together to kind of look right, but if anyone could email me the blogger template code from the Sidebar/Wrapper section on, I would totally appreciate that.

God I'm dumb.

Random list time!

2006-06-22T10:59:00.000-05:00

I haven't done this in a while.

My bullets aren't working so you get numbers.
For three days in a row I have taken my meds. Yay me!
The living room has a pseudo office. There are three walls of bookshelves. And they aren't all put away.
I have matching bruises on the outer thigh of each leg. Nothing in my house is that height. This confuses me.
I am over 100 books read for the year. How much do I rock?
Still no soda.
I want my soda.
I drink a lot of milk.
I've discovered I do not like Crystal Light or flavored water.
I drink a lot of Red Grapefruit juice.
I need new beverage ideas.
I hate anything with fake sugar (Aspartame, Splenda, all of them)
I was totally rocking at the No Limit Hold 'Em, then I lost 6000. This is why I don't play with real money. (Edited to add: I am now back up over 6000)
Through a strange twist of fate and generosity I have 4 Palm Pilot phones.
Caleb's mom is an irresponsible bitch.
He's supposed to be coming this weekend, but she wont even answer her phone.
We decided to have another baby.
When Jack is three.
I think the Strattera is working.
It still makes me feel like I'm on Effedrine though.
I'm going to go clean something now.

The End

HPV/Cervical Cancer Connection

2006-06-22T08:56:00.000-05:00

"OK, folks. Research has proven the link between the HP virus and cervical cancer. Now it's time to spread the word. Merck Pharmaceuticals is donating a dollar to cervical cancer research for every bracelet kit ordered. The kits are FREE, so there is no reason not to do this.

Click this link.

Here is a chance to get up to $100,000 for reasearch into a cancer for which there MAY BE A VACCINE. Step up, people."

(stolen from Tracy )

Update

2006-06-21T16:08:00.000-05:00

We just re-arranged the living room and now I am all exhausted and sweaty.

I thought you'd like to know.

The Family That Bathes Together

2006-06-20T09:16:00.000-05:00

For the past couple of months Jack has been able to climb anything he puts his mind to, even if it requires moving items to use as step stools. He's very bright, but also very, very mobile. Which means that I cannot take a shower while he is awake, because even 5 minutes is too long to leave him unsupervised. I can't take a shower when he's asleep since the bathroom is right next to his room and invariably the shower wakes him up.

Then I thought, hey, I'll get one of those baby tub seats that has the lap-bar, and I'll set him in the shower while I bathe! That will work, and I can bathe more often than every three days. (When you don't leave the house it's easier to skip)
Today, I attempted this theory.

Well.

That was interesting.

Turns out that despite the fact that this tub seat has a lap bar, it seems that Jack my little climber can climb right the hell out of it. So our in theory safe shower was spent with him standing in his seat trying to eat body wash (until I gave him a tub toy to eat) and me desperately trying to not spray him with shampoo or body soap runoff. Knowing my luck (and need of warning labels) I was afraid I'd blind the poor boy. (He's young enough that a naked mommy glimpse can't do that kind of damage yet)

So we survived, and we are clean, but wow that was very impractical.

Any suggestions?

2006-06-19T21:53:00.000-05:00

When I get depressed I don't take my meds, which makes me more depressed.
I should really work on that.

Shuffle Up And Deal

2006-06-17T12:37:00.000-05:00

Since I am the world's laziest SAHM ( I cleaned yesterday. With my niece's help...) I have gotten really into online poker. (Play money. I don't have spare money to gamble)

I don't know if any of you play Texas Hold 'Em or would like to but I thought maybe we could set up a virtual poker night sometime. Meet up at the same table, gossip, gamble, whatnot.

I play using Poker Stars. It requires a download, but it's easy and free and all that fun stuff.

Let me know if anyone would be interested.

Oh yeah,

2006-06-16T09:19:00.000-05:00

Did I mention I haven't had any soda in a week?
When I normally drink an average of six cans a day?
Did I mention how tired I was?

Hola

2006-06-15T09:51:00.000-05:00

Did you love Bob Saget? I knew you would.

So I am watching my 7 year old niece in the mornings all this week, and 5 hours a day of it is stressing me out. She's not as hard to handle as Caleb, since she's quite happy just playing her GameBoy, but my mom (who she's actually staying with this week) only wants her to have thirty minutes of video games while she's here. So I can blatantly go against that, or watch even more Barbie and Disney Princess videos. Why was I wanting a girl again? Oh, so I can teach her to not like Barbie and Disney princesses! Dear god above, it's possibly more inane than SpongeBob. (Yes, I hate SpongeBob. Do you have a problem with that?)

I have every intention of going to the Library and store today when it's just Jack and I. I'm going to try to make up reasons to leave the house every day, even if it's just going to Goodwill to see if I can find any Hawaiian shirts. (Eccentric Father was talking about ugly thrift store shirts and it got me in the mood. So to speak.) So we'll see how that all works out, shall we?

And now Jack is awake again and I am off.
Ta!

I love Bob Saget. LOVE HIM

2006-06-14T19:37:00.000-05:00

Revelations (Parenthetically speaking)

2006-06-14T16:38:00.000-05:00

I realized today that I often have nothing to talk about since I often do nothing. Seriously. I don't go out a lot, I haven't worked in over three weeks, my library trips are rare since I usually get about eight books at a time. Even then, it's the library, not a place that you can really strike up conversation, or overhear any interesting conversations.

I suppose I could go to the park, or the Juice /Smoothie bar that we just got (which is wonderful, but expensive and it's not like I don't own my own blender so it's hard to justify going to often. Not that I make smoothies at home, 'cause I never seem to have the motivation. The long and the short of it is that I don't drink a lot of smoothies) or even to Panera with their free WiFi and whatnot, but those all seem like they are me-centric. The park is possibly my best one, but it has been in the 90's, and Jack hates sand. Not to mention that the few times we've been I just haven't seen that many other kids. So if I did do something I would like instead, Jack would pretty much just be sitting in a stroller or atatched to a leash (which I still don't have, only making it another tool in my procrastination toolbox) and can you see how I can never think of anything?

Rolla isn't big (we just now got a smoothie place and WiFi) and there simply aren't too many options. We don't have museums or galleries, or science centers or zoos or well populated and maintained parks. I'm scared to death of going to MoPs, because please trust me when I say I am not the witty sparkling person you know and love in real life. I counteract the fact that I am shy by nature by being too loud, and my jokes are crude and they meet in a church. Also? I don't own a dress. (I wouldn't have to wear a dress, and I do technically own a couple dresses but everything is from when I was skinny except my wedding dress. Since Joe's sister is getting married I have to buy a dress and it's been on my mind as a sign of how not the normal mother I am.)

I'm not good at making friends. I had a teacher suggest Carnegie's book one time, said in a way that implied she was joking. She wasn't joking. I do oddly enough own that book now, but I've never read it. I even procrastinate having a life.

I told my therapist today that I don't leave the house unless I absolutely have to, and that outside of Jack and Joe I have a hard time finding any interest or drive in my life. He was concerned at first but after he determined I did find pleasure in Jack (who was with me in therapy... thrilling) he kind of let the subject go. My meds are all the same, and as this was a new doctor he got to hear my history. It's always fun to see people's faces when they hear it. But other than that it was relatively uneventful, and unenlightening as I got no advice for finding any kind of joi in my vive.

So I turn to my real source of therapy, you internet, and I ask? Are any of you socially phobic people with no lives who live in small towns and know good first steps to take? Anyone?

It was all my fault, really!

2006-06-13T16:17:00.000-05:00

I have a black eye. (Not quite a black eye, but I really did whack the hell out of it and it should be black, but it did open at the outer corner and bleed/scab a little)

As I was going to bed last night my very long day (and several beers) were weighing heavily on my coordination. I was attempting to lie down and place the phone next to the bed on the nightstand at the same time. Unfortunately I over corrected towards the nightstand and... well, whacked the hell out of my eye.

As I was laying there I thought to myself in my weary and slightly drunken state that my mother would think Joe had hit me. Now, there's no reason for her to suspect that, and my clumsiness is well known sober or not. But I couldn't get that fear out of my mind. (Along with a mental image of a terribly impressive shiner, which is why I'm so disappointed it's only sore and slightly scabby)

Luckily my vision is fine, and I have no shiner with which to frighten the people at DFS when I re-apply for Jack's Medicaid. (I mentioned we were poor right?)
At any rate, it was the good story that almost was, but is now a very poor anecdote.

The End.

2006-06-12T21:51:00.000-05:00

I sent a feeler out to a local news agency in regards to their interest in hiring a blogger. With so many national outlets using bloggers I thought I may as well put some info out there to gauge interest.
Does anyone have a post of mine that they particularly enjoyed that I should use as an example of my writing?
I made them aware of my profanity in my query e-mail. Might as well get the negative out there at the start.

I promise not to poison any apples

2006-06-12T10:57:00.000-05:00

I don't feel like I am a good step-mom. In fact, I'm pretty confident that I am not. I don't always like Caleb, and he really has to be able to pick up on that. Children are perceptive, more so than we give them credit for. I just know that he can tell when I am irritated, and that makes me feel even more guilty. It all feeds into itself and I come to dread the visits more and more. When I was pregnant with Jack and worrying about being a good parent friends would try to reassure me by telling me that the fact that I cared was evidence enough I would do fine. Maybe they were right, because I love Jack with a frightening fierceness. But I just don't have that with Caleb. I suppose it will grow as time goes on, but what if it doesn't? What if I never like him very much and he grows up knowing that? I joke about being the evil step-mother, but it's based in reality as I see all these signs pointing towards it.

I'm impatient, and irritable, and I get frustrated when he can't or wont understand or follow my rules. I feel very strongly that Caleb and Jack need to have the same set of rules in this house, but they are so radically different than what Caleb has at home that I feel like I am beating my head against a brick wall. He says aint constantly, and uses the phrase "bling bling" in a non-ironic manner. His mom teaches him that acting like a little gangster/thug is cute, and that is simply not the way it is here. And I'm sorry, but when I tell you not to let your brother eat the crayons, just because you don't hand them to him yourself does not make it okay that he is in fact eating the crayons. Twice! Then when I tell him that he can't color when Jack is up since he won't keep the crayons away from him, Caleb goes off in a corner and pouts for half an hour. The only reason I don't call him on the pouting is that I expect that if I did it would end in a tantrum and he'd be put in time-out anyway.

Maybe I really am expecting too much, and I know he has to get used to me as much as I do him. We are all adjusting to this, it's new for all of us, I just wish I didn't feel like such a failure all the time.

(On a side note, a complete stranger just came to my door giggling and asking for cigarettes. I just shut the door without saying a word. What can you say?)

Kick Ass

2006-06-11T11:47:00.000-05:00

I'ts a good thing he isn't red-headed

2006-06-10T18:29:00.000-05:00

Caleb is here for the weekend and I am playing world's ~~most evil~~ best step-mom.

Argh! Gack!

2006-06-08T10:57:00.000-05:00

Blogger is being a bitch and doesn't want to load any of the Dashboard pages so I can't get to my template and change my background.
I'm tired of the tie-dye! I want happy pills!

Johari Window

2006-06-06T10:36:00.000-05:00

So this is kind of like a meme, but it isn't lame because it's scientific.
Basically you chose a few adjectives that you think describe me. You can leave a real name, or a blog name, or a name I would never associate with you. I'm just curious how people who only know me through electronic means perceive me.

JRM's Johari Window

Then you should make one too! We'll start a fad!

(Oh, and happy 6/6/6!)

Stomach Churning Anger

2006-06-05T15:40:00.000-05:00

Finding Thomas has made me depressed and angry. It took me a long time to get over that whole debacle the first time around. I was dead inside for a long time, then when I did feel anything it was massive amounts of hate and anger. I let Thomas chip away at who I was and form me in to who he wanted me to be until I lost myself. That was just as much my fault as his. I was a strong person before him, I should have known better. The first guy I felt anything for after him dumped me when he found out I'd had a baby. I was celibate by choice for three years. There was no way I was going to put myself in a position where I would have to go through all of that again.

Eventually I was in a relationship that was in a way messier than the one with Thomas, but was better in many more. I learned a lot about myself and who I was and what I wanted in love and life. So that was good. I try to focus on that. It didn't work out, but if it had I don't think I'd be anywhere nearly as happy as I am today. I have a lot to be thankful for in my life that way. There were a lot of paths that I almost went down that would have led to very bad places, and very bad versions of me as a person.

The funny thing is, Thomas wouldn't even rank in my Top 5 most important relationships. He would be the third-guy-I-had-sex with blip if I hadn't had a baby with him. He as an ex is nothing, and I'd be more than happy to move on and never think of him again. As it is I am forever connected to this man, who I despise, because he provided half the DNA for my older son. Who, thankfully, looks and acts nothing like him.

Now I have a real man. A good man. A grown man. I have a real family and I know what a relationship is supposed to be. I've matured, and more importantly I've remembered what it means to not have my life decided by the man in it.

Yes, I am still pissed at him. I am so angry that he did the things he did. I'm angry at him for not respecting me or loving me for the person I was. Mostly I think I am angry that he still hasn't grown up. He can't feel bad or apologize because he's still the conceited sociopath he was back then, and is incapable of seeing the damage he caused.

It may make me a bad person, but I want him to suffer. Sure, karma and all that. He'll get his in the end and most likely he'll burn in hell. But I want to see the evidence dammit!
Maybe I haven't matured that much :)

Sperm Donor

2006-06-04T19:41:00.000-05:00

So I found the asshole who knocked me up while fiddling around online earlier.

I read his little My Space blog... and he's still an asshole. Want an excerpt? This is from a post he wrote a couple of week's before J's ninth birthday. Mind you, he's married and still talking like this.

"Oh, and don't get me started on the depression creeping in on my spine from the estrogen sea I swim in daily. This much bickering, badgering, nit-picking would kill anyone!!! ITs KILLING ME! I stay on amber alert on my irritation scale constantly! I don't know what I'm gonna do!?! The mystique of women has been destroyed for me. This is not a good thing. I used to think they were the greatest thing God ever made. There was no such thing as an 'ugly woman'. Now? Damn that! They are a pain in the ass, an irritating background noise that chatter like empty cans rolling down a street. They don't say anything positive, they are not uplifting, they are not kind or gentle. Women are mean, vidictive, hateful people. And what makes it worse, they aren't (pardon the phrase) 'man enough' to say what they really mean to each other. "

Yes. I dated and procreated with that man. I'm so proud. If he sounded at all like a decent human being I might have felt the inclination to get in touch and let him know how J and I are, and finally have some closure. But this is the same man who ran off and hid from me with the assistance of his parents ten years ago.

Asswipe.

Today Is My Birthday

2006-06-03T16:43:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday To Me!

As Is

2006-06-02T15:41:00.000-05:00

It's easy to forget sometimes what all we have to be grateful for. We can get caught up in the sameness of every day life, and start to go into the what-ifs. You know. What if I'd gone this way or that? What if I'd made this choice or not made this other one.
And then when one of those what-ifs pops up in your life you go off on a very dangerous tangent. *

Then you remember. You talk to your ex for an hour online and fall back into the fighting and confusion and pain and weirdness that you always fell into before.

Joe and I don't fight. Sure, we argue but generally whatever is upsetting us gets said. We say what the problem is and why we are upset and what can be done to fix it. Then it's done. We might make the same mistake again, but we can deal with it.

There is no horrible drama with Joe. I've never been so at peace and so happy as when I am with him. He can irritate the hell out of me, and I can piss him off to no end, but it doesn't circle our heads and fill the air with this horrible tension that always ends up erupting in another screaming and crying match.

Joe can commit. Evidence? He married me. That's some pretty damn good proof right there.

Joe doesn't cheat. Joe wouldn't cheat. I don't have to worry about it, or go all loopy and start to think I am crazy. And he would never look me in the eye and deny it and then a year later confess that a) he lied and b) he cheated on me with three different girls. After all that I didn't trust anyone... until Joe came along. I always trusted him, even when we were living seven hours apart.

Joe's family drives me nuts, but I like them, and they like me and don't treat me like I'm the lowest shit in the universe. I've been welcomed into his family (even though I wasn't asked to be a bridesmaid in his sister's wedding even though all the other sisters were. But I do actually get it)

Above all else, Joe and I are family. We have a baby together, we've made our lives together and I can't imagine my life without him. I love him so much, and I'm beyond lucky to have him.

I'm glad my ex is a prick. He helped to remind me just how good I've got it.

*There was no tanget. I didn't go (or get) off on anything (or anyone). This is just an example of the places that the what-ifs can take you.

You Like Me! Right Now, You Really Like Me!

2006-06-01T10:10:00.000-05:00

So Lucinda and MommaK came up with The Perfect Post Awards. A group of women-bloggers award a Perfect Post button every month to someone who wrote something touching, or funny, or memorable that they feel the writer should be recognized for.

Masked Mom awarded ME her nod for the month for my "I think I have cancer" post. True, there is the great and wonderful irony in a post about caring what others think winning an award. But on the much more serious side, it's an amazing thing to find others that share our insecurities, and who can provide comfort and support to us.

I'm so glad to know that I'm not the only one without the TMI gauge. (Also very relieved to discover that incident that inspired the post wasn't what I thought and that I hadn't scared or offended the person involved)

I love the women I've been meeting through this experience of blogging.

I also love winning.

May Books

2006-05-31T18:38:00.000-05:00

Secrets of the Ancient Goddess- Brenda Gates Smith*
The Chocolate War- Robert Cormier*
Kiss The Girls- James Patterson
Beyond The Chocolate War-Robert Cormier*
Valley of the Dolls-Jacqueline Suzanne
The Perfect Storm-Sebastian Junger*
Light A Penny Candle- Maeve Binchy*
Cherry- Mary Kerr*
Bellwether- Connie Willis*
Prep- Curtis Sittenfeld
The Truth Machine- James L. Halperin (Highly Recommended)
I am what I ate, and I'm Frightened- Bill Cosby
The Look- Nina Blanchard
The Dark Half- Stephen King*
Masie Dobbs-Jaqueline Winspear
Unplanned Parenthood- Liz Carpenter
Trading Up- Candace Bushnell
Slaughterhouse 5- Kurt Vonnegut
Catch 22- Joseph Heller

*re-read

"Funny" story

2006-05-31T16:46:00.000-05:00

The Iranians next door are moving out.

I got drunk one night and apologized to them for America.

The Long and Winding Weekend

2006-05-31T11:31:00.000-05:00

It really was a long weekend, not just due to the holiday on Monday. We got Caleb on Friday (eventually) and then Raina and Matt got in to town about 10 that night. We were up drinking and laughing and accidentally waking up children until 3 AM. It was great, but damn did we pay for it the next morning when the boys decided that 6AM was an appropriate time to start the day.

Now, I got the house pretty spotless (well, relatively speaking) but with three extra people in the house and four of them being mildly hungover adults who didn't feel like cleaning, it got a tad messy. It's still a tad messy, but at least all the pizza boxes have been thrown away.

We went to Lane Springs on Sunday, it's a river that comes from a natural spring, so the water is cold as hell, but it's generally not a very crowded place. It was the first time Caleb had been swimming in natural water, and the first time in water that wasn't a bath for Jack. They both loved it, which was a relief. Jack had been teething and evil for two days and I just knew he'd make the whole process not so great. But instead he thought the water was wonderful, and splashing and throwing small rocks off the river bed to be hilarious. He also got over his fear of sand, which meant a lot more running around for all of us, but also a lot more laughter.

everyone went back home Monday, Caleb taking longer than most since the EBM once again couldn't get her act together. Yesterday morning was spent doing all the laundry we hadn't done for the last two weeks. Well, in all honesty, spent by Joe. He did all six loads. I have a great husband. Praise him and wonder at all he does. Now if I could just get him to take out the trash without my asking. (Kidding dear! Though I totally get the "I want you to want to do the dishes" line from the Break-up trailer).

It was nice to have friends our age over. Someone to drink with, someone who can talk back using complete sentences and proper grammar. And not only that, but friends our age who like kids and enjoyed being around both the boys. I think they were also viewing it as a bit of a trial run for themselves since Raina let us know that they had bought "the ring" not too long ago. I think Matt is waiting for her to finish her thesis, which is great incentive for her really.

I'm still depleted, and not having the best time putting together coherent thought, which is odd since I actually got some practice at it. We have to figure out a better solution with the EBM, which I think we may have. As always it hinges on her actually cooperating with whatever is decided. I have a lot of anger that this woman has the ability to disrupt my life to the level that she does, but we'll leave all that for later. The next time I feel the need to cuss her out over the phone for instance. I can just put that here instead, right?

I feel like I'm not adequately expressing how great the weekend was, because it was wonderful. Perhaps it's just the letdown of the return to every day life.

(Speaking of letdown, I finally got to see Brokeback Mountain. I also saw Transamerica which I enjoyed most thoroughly.)

Bonus EBM Anecdote

2006-05-26T21:00:00.000-05:00

So at about 2pm I called the EBM to make sure we were still on to meet in St. Clair at 4pm. Yes, we are, she assured me. She'd be leaving work momentarily and all was well in the world.

I arrived at our meeting place at 3:45 having made excellent time. And leaving early. Cause I am neurotic like that. I knew she'd be late, but I continue to hope.

Now, mind you it's over 90 degrees outside, and Jack hates sitting in a car if it's not moving. So here I am walking around, carrying my one year old waiting. We walked around inside the gas station for a while, but seriously, it all got old quick.
So I am waiting.

And waiting,

and yes, waiting some more.

I eventually called her house, no answer of course.
I drove around town checking other locations she might have gone to in error.

It's now 5:15 and she's still not there. I am preparing to make one last call, and then she shows up. At 5:30. An hour and a half late. An hour and forty-five minutes after I arrived.
Her excuse? She didn't get out of work on time.
And then went to the wrong gas station.

Uh huh.

Stupid bitch.

Oh My

2006-05-26T10:44:00.000-05:00

So it's been a long time since I've had hard alcohol. Or a 7&7 which can taste deceptively mild no matter how strong it actually is. (And boy can I make a strong drink) Do you see where this is leading?

I got way too drunk the other night. There were no sexual favors, 'cause I was that drunk. I had the sense of mind to record Lost when I realized I had no clue what was happening on the screen. I apparently told Joe the same stories behind the purchases over and over. And I did a little drunk dialing too, but this was before I lost the rest of the evening, so I don't think that went over too badly.

I spent all day yesterday with severe gastro-intestinal distress, and my kidneys hurt. How do you drink so much that your kidneys hurt? I seem to have managed that feat. But I will definitely hold off on the whiskey for a while.
Damn.

I'm going to pick up Caleb later today. He hasn't been here in forever because the Evil Baby Mama has been a total bitch and we even went so far as to get a lawyer (that's what that all was about) and try to handle it legally. That scared the hell out of her, so she and Joe sat down with a mediator and came up with a custody agreement. Then last weekend, her first weekend to bring him to us, she flaked out. I knew she wouldn't follow the agreement but I really didn't think she would do it her very first weekend. Have I mentioned that I hate this woman?

I did discover that I can talk to her agreeably when we are both drunk though :)

We got the house mostly cleaned up for the company. I also would like to take this opportunity to praise the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. If it didn't mean proving how bad the bathroom sink looked to begin with I totally would have taken pictures. The last time I tried cleaning with Scrubbing Bubbles and a regular sponge at first, and when involved too much scrubbing I tried the magic eraser. That is now the first weapon in any cleaning arsenal I have. And no, Mr. Clean didn't bribe me with free Magic Erasers.

If companies do what to start sending me free swag I'm a total whore for that kind of thing. Email contact is on the right :)

Dead Woman Writing

2006-05-24T17:02:00.000-05:00

Joe is going to kill me when he gets home from work and found out how much I spent at the store.
To be fair, I warned him before he went to work I was doing a very thorough shopping and may spend a lot, thinking in my head something around $150. I spent $250. Now, $15 of that alone was tax, cause damn that liquor tax is expensive. How much did you spend on alcohol, you ask. Well, it's interesting that you should ask that. We have guests coming this weekend, and I wanted something better than cheap beer to offer. So I got four bottles of wine and two bottles of liquor, and though it wasn't expensive I still spent around $50 on the potables alone.

Then there were hair products. I'm bored with my hair, so to put off cutting it all off, which is something I can only pull off while thin, I got lots of little hair clippies and whatnot.

Oh! And I found the nicest glass mugs that are perfect for chilling and drinking beer out of. But they are real. And glass. I only got four though! ('Cause of the company. Otherwise I would have stuck to two)

And then there's the whole company is coming and the sheets on the old mattress are worn as hell. So new sheets. And pillows! I got the cheap ones though, but it adds up.

What else? A few baby things (still no leash. They keep selling out as soon as they come in stock. I am going to order them off the website), a couple kitchen things, and some random food.

I'm now relaxing with a 7&7 (what, you thought the alcohol would last untouched 'til the company arrived?) and am hoping to be pleasantly toasted and willing to dole out sexual favors once Joe gets home and sees the total.

I think I have cancer.

2006-05-21T20:40:00.000-05:00

Now, before you freak out and start to comfort me realize that this is just me being my over-dramatic insane self.
I have a mole on my shoulder that has grown a tiny little polyp. It's not a big deal, but there's this whole thing about if a mole changes at all that it could be cancer and have it checked immediately.
So I'll get around to that. As long as it's covered by the clinic.
Sigh.

Now what this is really all about.
I don't have that filter that most people have. The one that tells them what is appropriate, and when it's appropriate, and who it's appropriate with.

I'm a pretty open person, and I try to be honest, it's this whole thing from being lied to so often. But I take it too far. No, I don't think I should cover up that I am a birth mom, or that I am bi. For the most part these aren't terribly uncomfortable topics. But talking so openly about those things tends to make me open about other things that are a lot more uncomfortable. And yet I open my mouth and unload to someone something they don't really want to hear. Completely sober I do this. Which means I don't have drunken crazy logorrhea to blame.

I've gotten better over the years, but every now and then I do something colossally stupid that makes me hate myself and my stomach hurt, and that dredges up all the other stupid things I've done. Then they start to snowball and I don't leave the house for days.

I have to stop obsessing. I know it's bad for me, I know it's not productive and I'll only mess up my stomach again and get a full blown ulcer this time. I also shouldn't care what others think of me, especially if I'm going to go around telling them highly personal things. I don't think I'll ever get over that one though.
Deep down I want to be liked.
I think we all do.

Someone back East is saying "Now why don't he write?"

2006-05-19T20:52:00.000-05:00

This was my day today:

I got up when Jack woke up. He ate, I made lasagne for breakfast.
While it was cooking we played ball. Which is really more like fetch since he doesn't roll the ball back, but rather brings it back by hand.

We watched TV.
He napped.
I napped.

We ate again.
We watched more TV, and played a form of wrestling that consists of Jack climbing all over me and kneeing me in the face.

TV.
Playing.
Bedtime for Jack,
Doctor Who and Numbers for me.

Once Joe gets home I will shower and go to the store, something I didn't have the energy to do along with Jack.

This is why there are often days I do not write.
The End.

Welcome to the House of Mucous

2006-05-16T09:19:00.000-05:00

We are all sick.
Snotty, Phlegmy, Coughing, Sneezing sick.

As such I keep pissing myself.
You know how it is after you've had a baby. Hundreds of Keigels and no improvement. I hadn't had any problems in so long that naturally I assumed things were sprung back into place. Silly, silly JRM.
They really aren't. Which I figured after I changed for the third time yesterday.

This is why I love my fellow internet mommies. I mean, who else can you admit to that you pissed yourself and not only will they not wrinkle their noses in disgust, they will tell you about the times they did it themselves. (Please tell me about the times you did it yourself, solidarity would be great right now)

I've never been a fan of women. I've always had mostly male friends, I just got along with them better. I had started to realize it was changing, and I wondered if it was just due to being a mom and having others to commiserate with. I mean, guys can't really do that so well. Even if a man is the full time caregiver he doesn't piss himself. Then I heard a line on Grey's Anatomy last night (good episode but a bit of a letdown) and when Christina said "I didn't like teenage girls when I was one" I had that feeling of "OH! That's the distinction!". The adult females that piss me off still tend to behave like teenage girls. The ladies I do like tend to be (relatively) mature, intelligent women. They can just also geek out or be silly, or understand the desire to dye my hair purple. (Which I do think I will be doing soon. 13 piercings, purple hair and I drive a mini-van. I LOVE the irony there.)

Thank you ladies. Now if you don't mind I am going to go change my pants.

Anger Management

2006-05-15T19:03:00.000-05:00

Lately the internet has been pissing me off. A LOT.

Rather, a lot of people in blog-land are. Not so much the people on my blogroll, just the things I keep running across. I don't really want to go into it, because a lot of it isn't so much anything tangible, just me being overly sensitive and bitchy.

The thing is, people aren't really being asses (per se) but I'm just interpreting it that way. Well, a lot of them are being asses, but they don't realize it. A person can be an ass without knowledge or intent, but it's only marginally better.

And I so need to stop reading message boards. They are full of ignorant trolls and I know that yet I punish myself anyhow. For instance, have you ever read any of the forums on IMDB? Oh My GOD. That's some grade-A ignorance right there. Yet I keep going back. It's like a train wreck. Or the Surreal Life. (Tawny Kitaen is such a bitch!)

As such I've been avoiding the internet altogether before I start flame wars. It's so easy to do, you know? Hell, a pic of your kid in a t-shirt can start a mommyblog-land-wide war.

It's like I was bitching about last week, ignorance just drives me up the freakin' wall. Luckily, I have you all. Your pages keep me sane, and they are my anger management. I mean, if you can't laugh along with fellow moms where is that going to leave you?

This also explains why I haven't written anything significant lately. I've noticed that when I am in this kind of mood I wrote the most bile-filled, vitriolic rants. Usually I stop myself in time, but there are those times I just don't give a shit and end up pissing people off. It's always hilarious how people react. EVERY time I make people mad I get a comment or email saying "now I know why they call you Jack's Raging Mommy".
I want to tell people look: I call myself Jack's Raging Mommy, and openly say I am a bitch. Where does the surprise come in?

Oh well, I ended up ranting after all.
Sorry :)

Mother's Day in the hiz-ouse

2006-05-13T20:38:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to give a Happy Mother's Day shout out to all my home girls in inter-web land.

No, I have no idea why I am talking like that.

I think it has to do with the exhaustion.

Help, I need a background, Help, not just any background

2006-05-11T14:03:00.000-05:00

I'm getting bored with the book theme. I mean, I like it, but it's been a few weeks and we all know how short my attention span is. So I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions? Any past themes that you miss and would like to see again? An entirely new idea? The best one I have right now is a tie-dye psychedelic thing. Which I may just do anyway since that could be nice and colorful and fun, but I wouldn't mind the feedback.

Jack is entering a one or two nap a day cycle now, which means putting him to bed when tired isn't working anymore since he stays up until 10 now if I let him. So I am having to learn how to do scheduled naptimes and bedtime. This sucks. I don't spoil the kid, but I also can't listen to him yell. It hurts me. But if I keep giving in and getting him up then he will end up spoiled. I know all the techniques, and I'm following them, it's just so hard to listen to your child cry and know you have the power to stop it, but not to do so.
It usually doesn't take to long to set the patters properly if you stick to it, right? Reassure me please.
(I say all this since I am currently listening to a very unhappy baby protest his naptime.)

Thanks :)

Dear Britney Spears,

2006-05-10T14:25:00.000-05:00

I'd like to have you know I defended you. I'm not a fan, never have been. Hell, I wanted your fifteen minutes to be up when your first song came out. But I defended you nonetheless.
"She can't be that stupid" I would say. "She isn't that ignorant and trashy. She is just having a hard time losing her baby weight. It's only been a few months for God's sake. Just because everyone else in Hollywood gets rid of it in two weeks, this doesn't mean anything. Fuck, it's even healthier! Of course she wouldn't be pregnant again already. The first baby didn't save the marriage, if anything it's shown her how unready she was to be a parent. She wouldn't have another one before the year was up. She just can't be that moronic."

And oh, Britney, how you proved me wrong. You are a new mom, you have a lazy, talentless jackass for a husband. I understand that you didn't know what you were getting yourself into and you are doing your best to make it work, but damn girl. You let his dick in you again? Uncovered? That SOON? He's an idiot. I am sure you could have made him wait the six weeks even though you had a C-section. He wouldn't have known any better. I doubt Shar let him climb up on her that soon. But maybe that is why he said you were better in bed. Any way you look at it though, it was a boneheaded move.

Please do me a favor and have him snipped after this one? I have no doubt that he's the type that says it doesn't feel right with a condom, and don't worry baby he'll pull out. I wouldn't be surprised if you are that girl who can never remember to take he pills, whether she intended to or not. I was that girl, but I also managed to put eight years between my pregnancies. And I certainly didn't let the same irresponsible dumbass knock me up more than once. Anyway, if you have him snipped you don't have to worry about those skanks he sleeps with suing him over paternity claims and taking your money. Hasn't he cost you enough already?

Anyway,
I just wanted you to know how disappointed I am in you. I was willing to give you all kinds of new credit in my head since you and I were new moms together, but after the car, the highchair, and now this I just can't do it anymore.
You need to be educated. In life, birth control, men, and so many other things. Let your mama take care of those kids for a while and go away and put your brain back together. I really only have your best interests at heart.

Sincerely,
Jack's Raging Mommy

I'm such a slacker

2006-05-05T17:25:00.000-05:00

After Wednesday night's spectacular LOST episode I've spent most of the day online fooling around with The Hanso Foundation website and taking part in "The Lost Experience".
If you thought the show was engrossing wait until you get caught up in all the tie ins.
For instance? The book Sawyer was reading that Jack threw in the fire? It's been published. The story goes that the author was on the flight on the way back from being published in Sydney. There is even a video interview where he talks about the book and mentions... TA DA! The Hanso Foundation and the Dharma Initiative which he apparently wrote a DaVinci Code-style non fiction books about.

I'm telling you, it's addictive.

Yes, the only thing I talk about is TV. If you don't like it you can bite me. Also, you can relax 'cause I swear the next post wont be TV-centric.
We are heading up tomorrow to do birthdays with my older son's family. And then to do them with Joe's family. Should be fun, and tiring.

Sigh.

Censorship, thy name is W

2006-05-05T11:56:00.000-05:00

So CSPAN decided to yank the Colbert footage from You Tube. They seem to be claiming copyright infringement, but other footage from this year's dinner and last years entire dinner is still available on the site.

The media claims they didn't cover his appearance because it "wasn't funny" but reports are also out that President Bush is angry as hell.

All of this is incidental next to the question that if they didn't like his act, and his humor, then why the hell was he hired anyway?

Unrelated, I've had a headache for three days.

Colbert, My Mom and My Baby

2006-05-03T09:20:00.000-05:00

(see the rest at You Tube)

Sometimes I forget how ignorant people on the internet can be. I spend a lot of time at very specific, mostly intelligent sites, and as such avoid the trolls as much as is possible. So it really never occurred to me when I went over to You Tube to watch the video of Steven Colbert at the White House Correspondents Dinner that the comments would be full of people who didn't know who Colbert was, didn't get the jokes (how ignorant are they?), and didn't appreciate the humor. Why did you watch the video then? Once you realized it wasn't your cup of tea why did you continue watching? And what possessed you to comment on your ignorance?

Then there are those who thought they knew what was going on and helpfully explained to others that Colbert was "playing" Bill O'Reilley. No, not so much. He's playing a Republican commentator/pundit based on several TV personalities. He's not just being O'Reilley. Jesus. These are the ones who want us to believe they are in the know. It makes me understand why O'Reilley referred to Daily Show viewers as stoned slackers.

I just wonder when ignorance became so acceptable. People don't care that they are stupid, and many of them seem to be proud of it. Why should I read a book? Who cares if my grammar is atrocious, I don't know how to pronounce words and I can't even tell you who the first president of the United States was? For fuck's sake. No grade school child should NOT know who the first president was. I can't recite them all, but at least I know that much, which something like 40% of American High School students don't know. WTF.

Anyway.

My mom had a brief scare when some blood work showed her to have critical levels of blood clotting agent. She was rushed to the emergency room where they made her wait for over half an hour. And the sad part is that was fast.

I'm going to get the video from Jack's first birthday party and put it up. We got some great cake covered shots, and the ensuing bath. He's picking up words like crazy now, it's fun, and freaky and fulfilling and I am running out of f words.
Anyway, he's cute.
My baby rocks.

Ok, now I got myself all pissed off

2006-04-26T09:40:00.000-05:00

See, I was going to try to write a post about the adoption of my older son, but then someone criticized my last post and I tried to respond nicely but I'm cranky at the telemarketers, and I'm tired and basically I have just managed to get mad.

I like that people read my site. I love that people look forward to my posts, and I feel really shitty about all the gaps recently with my depression and broken computer. Instead of writing again about my depression and broken computer I thought I'd write about something that I find interesting and that other readers had asked me about. So it kind of pisses me off that someone would criticize that. I mean, if you want another "I have nothing to say and no motivation and nothing I care about" post then just skim over the last couple of months, or find some emo kid. I'm making an effort here.

I've never gone on someone else's site and complained about what they decided to write about. If it didn't interest me I didn't read it, and if it kept up like that I just stopped reading altogether. These people don't owe me anything and to be frank I don't owe anyone anything.
I try to be funny, biting, clever, entertaining, etc. But that is all my choice, and if I fail in being any of these things then that is my fault. I'm sorry if you don't like what I write about, but a computer is a lot like a television, you have a choice in what you look at.

And I'll finish by saying if the comment wasn't meant in the very harsh way that I took it then I am sincerely sorry for biting your head off and being incapable of taking a joke. It's that kind of morning.

Lets try this again?

2006-04-25T10:01:00.000-05:00

Newly repaired new laptop is now in my possession. But I don't have Playboy, and I can live with that.

I recently got addicted to Gilmore Girls. I was bored one day at 4 pm and I thought to myself "I'll watch Gilmore Girls. Nothing else is on, and people talk about it as if it is really good". I never looked back. Though coming in partway through the re-runs on the Family Channel and the new episodes on the WB, there's a bit of confusion. Exactly why did Rory steal a boat? Did she quit school before that? Was Sookie married to Jackson from the beginning of the series or did I miss that? I've also seen none of Rory dating Jess or Dean before he got married. But I'm hooked nonetheless. The re-runs are catching up with the new episodes which makes me happy since they should rotate back around to the beginning of the series then.

To answer though? I do not like Logan. I do believe that he thought they were broken up when he slept with the bridesmaids, but still. He's just... slimy. He has the whole entitlement thing going on, and he really doesn't give a damn about people he views as being beneath him.
I don't see a lot of viable alternatives for her though.
Also? Paris dating Jonathan? (He was Jonathan on Buffy so Jonathan he remains) I LOVE that. It's just too good. Also I recently realized that Paris played David Krumholtz's wife on ER when he was the schizophrenic who stabbed Carter and Lucy.

Suzan, I'll email you what I do about the search mongers.

So, I'm back.... again... let's see if this works.

Whiplash

2006-04-14T11:05:00.000-05:00

So back in High School (my ten year reunion is arriving. Gulp.) I was in the Marching Band in the Flag and Dance Corp. No, our Band Camp was nothing like the one in American Pie. At any rate, our flag director was pretty cool. We played Zeppelin, and Iron Man, and a lot of other things that I didn't get at the time but later realized how awesome it was. We had a tradition that during Iron Man we would all headbang. I once gave myself whiplash doing this. It rocked.

I used to blast my music, and loved the saying "If it's too loud, you are too old". Wil Wheaton mentioned once on his blog that he now totally gets the irony, as he, like me, finds it much too loud nowadays. The difference being that we never played our music so loud it could be heard two blocks away, or had the bass so high it rattled other cars. I just don't get it, you can't actually hear the music with the bass that high. And if you are in the car why do people over a hundred yards away need to be able to hear every word as well?

So I realize, yes, I am turning into an old fogie. I actually catch myself thinking of teenagers as "Hooligans". They play in the back and I'm tempted to tell them to stay off my lawn. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that supposed to be a truly old person thing to do?

Sometimes I think it is a decline in personal responsibility and courtesy. The way I was raised I would never have behaved the way kids do in front of their parents. I'd of gotten my ass whipped. But then again spanking and even saying "no" have gone so out of vogue that it doesn't surprise me. If kids learn there is no negative consequence for behaving inappropriately then why the hell wouldn't they?

I think it also has a lot to do with money. I don't mean rich people, but money given without being earned. How many of us actually had to do chores and yard work and the like to earn our allowances? That's not the case anymore, and so kids think that things should be handed to them out of some sort of right or entitlement. Over the 13 years I've been working I've seen a downward slide in the work ethic of teenagers. Whenever I meet on who actually work, and try, even if their quality isn't the best, it impresses me to no end. It's got to be better than their peers who do nothing and expect a paycheck anyway.

I was at the gas station earlier and someone was blasting music. Those of us in the checkout got into a conversation about it's stupidity and it got me thinking of how much I've changed since I was in school. I jokingly tell people I used to party with how boring I am now, but like most jokes it's based in truth. I don't know the last time I smoked pot (which is a good thing) or stayed out all night partying (again, good). But the thing is, while I know that it's good to grow up, I miss it sometimes. The freedom, the hedonsim, the laughter.

I just want a little debauchery over now and then. Is that too much to ask?

Update on my wonderful life at the moment

2006-04-12T18:35:00.000-05:00

So my brand new laptop?
The touchpad is broken. (Which is why none of the book updates have links). I have to mail it back to Dell and I don't know how long it will take to get it back.
Otherwise things are pretty good. Joe just god a new job that he likes better than the old one, which will mean I get to cut back on my hours at work. It's nice how these things can solve themselves every now and them.

We are getting a new mattress, and we already got a new TV and entertainment unit. When I have a computer that doesn't take me a half an hour to get anything done I'll post some pics.

Jack will be a year old at the end of the month and my eldest will be 9. I'm kind of freaking the fuck out over here, you know?

April Books

2006-04-12T18:29:00.000-05:00

April 1-12
Echoes- Maeve Binchy*
Tara Road- Maeve Binchy*
Good Omens- Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett*
My Dream of You- Nuala O'Faolain*

April 13-30
Ya Yas in Bloom- Rebecca Welles
Good in Bed- Jennifer Weiner
Flabbergasted- Ray Blackston
Firefly Summer- Maeve Binchy *
Eldest-Christopher Paolini
The Return Journey-Maeve Binchy*
Copper Beech- Maeve Binchy*
The Lilac Bus/Dublin Four- Maeve Binchy*
Quentins-Maeve Binchy*
Evening Class-Mave Binchy*

* Re-read

muck

2006-04-08T21:24:00.000-05:00

So this morning I got to do something that I haven't done in forever. I got to sleep late. It was wonderful. Work did call at 8:30 in the morning to try to get me to go in early but I basically told them to fuck off. But nicely!

Work itself was a really short shift, which was good because I was a raging bitch today. I kept biting everyone's heads off, and even snapped (inadvertently) at a customer. (I heard a question behind me and snapped an answer thinking it was another employee. It wasn't.)
I didn't take my meds this morning so I am hoping that's all it was. I'll have three days off after tomorrow so Hopefully I can regenerate somewhat. I changed it so that I don't work evenings anymore, but somehow it hasn't effected the number of hours I work every week. I don't want to quit, but I need to figure something out so I don't burn out.

I've been depressed (no secret, I have my new laptop and I'm still not posting properly). I'm just in that I can't get anything done phase, and other than small variations, I have been for quite some time. I mean, how many times have I written this exact post in the past few months? Too many for comfort. I do like to think I can be entertaining.
It just mostly feels like I need something huge to change, or for everything to just pause. I'm tired of just wading through every day, and each week and it all just bleeds and blends into itself.

I'm not sure what it is I want to do.

1:23, 4/5/6

2006-04-05T00:13:00.000-05:00

In about an hour something will happen that will never happen again in history, (except from twelve hours from now if you don't use military time).
The time and date combination will be 123456.
I just thought it was really cool and I'd share :)

Bullshit!

2006-04-04T13:25:00.000-05:00

I love Bullshit! I mean, this is a really great show. I am beginning to suspect that Penn Jillette is a genius. Sure, it's easy to watch an episode like the one on Ghost Busters and know that it's bullshit and to agree with them, but when they can make a liberal like me change my stance on gun control? That' some serious mojo right there.
The new season started last night and I'm watching the episode on the Boy Scouts right now. (I also love my DVR) They actually have me upset enough to write to my representatives requesting they take a stance against the public funding of the Boy Scouts. I mean, sure, if they were a truly private, Mormon church run organization they could exclude anyone they like. This is America, they get to do it, and we get to say we don't like it. However, once they receive public funding they lose that right because you can't use tax dollars to discriminate. Just watch the episode. They explain it much better than I could.

Another cable show I am really digging on is Big Love. We got the free weekend of HBO, and I was already missing it from when we had it up in Omaha, so when I saw this show I was like "Ok, we're getting HBO again". So their little ploy worked, but seriously, it is that good of a show. Damn hilarious. Though I doubt it will convince me polygamy is cool. I don't mean polyamory, which works for some people, including my best friend Allan, but old school Mormon polygamy where they marry off girls at fourteen to their uncles. Not that the main character family is in that situation, but they are former members of a compound who do still practice those beliefs.

This is turning into the Mormon post. In that theme I will tell you a small anecdote from work. We got this new employee, who I was told before I'd met her "S is gay! She just came right out and said it! Can you believe that!". Have I mentioned how much I like bigots? You talk about your boyfriend. Get over it. Anyway, once I started working with S I found out her family are practicing Mormons. So I asked her about "garments" (the holy underwear). She was a little embarrassed, but admitted, yes, she'd worn them in the past. She's inactive now, which considering the Mormon church's position on homosexuality is totally understandable.

Basically I guess this post is saying I like gay people, and not fundamentalist Mormons. So nothing new, right?
I think it's just the thrill of being able to post again :)

Lust

2006-04-03T15:46:00.000-05:00

OH MY GOD.

I got my new laptop today, even though it wasn't initially supposed to even ship until tomorrow. Am I complaining though? Hell to the NO I am not! It's so pretty, and sleek, and light, and the screen is SO much bigger and clearer that my old one... I'm in lust. I'm pretty sure I've got tingly sensations in my private parts.

I'll need to take a picture, even though it's the laptop in my background, but this one will be mine, not some random Dell photo of a laptop like mine. There's a difference. Also, I've already noticed that the keyboard layout is a lot better for my hands. This is nice.

Oh, and before I forget, on the ER two Thursdays ago they said my real name. One of Morris'' kids had my name. Did anyone notice the names? Any guesses as to which one was mine?
I was thrilled since it's only the second time I've ever heard my name on TV when it wasn't specifically about me, and the first time I've heard it in a TV series. It rocked.

Wow.
I am in such a good fucking mood right now. Lets get drunk. Are you with me internet? Break out the alcoholic beverage of choice and help me celebrate the new computer. Maybe later you'll get a drunken rambling post. Those are always fun :)

Yippee! Yay! Wahoo!

2006-03-27T13:12:00.000-06:00

My banishment is almost over, as I just placed the order for my new "notebook". (Why aren't they laptops anymore? What's up with that?)

I turned down a promotion at work I was actually considering accepting. I'm pretty sure it was temporary insanity that made me consider it, cause I just got my period and it had to be hormones. Luckily they screwed me over the other day before I formally accepted and it brought me back to my senses.

So I am cutting my hours and my responsibilities and soon I will be back on my ass on the computer sharing my life with you all. I can't wait!

Uncool

2006-03-20T17:01:00.000-06:00

So I finally have something really great to talk about...
and I can't.
For legal reasons.
See? I told you it was something good.
Once it's done I'll spill all the gory/juicy details.
But not now.
The lawyer wouldn't approve.
We have a lawyer!
Anyway.

Today is the third and final of a three day off period from work. It's been nice, but I don't really feel like it's been enough. Especially since due to a number of events I will be an acting manager for a week. A week in which I am scheduled over forty hours. (I won't work all of them, but still. Sucks hardcore.)

I am not sure if it's stress, or how I've been sleeping, or just that Jack weighs over 20 pounds now and isn't so easy to fling about (not that I'd ever fling my child), but I have done something horrible to a muscle in my neck. You know that feeling like your neck needs to pop, so everything stiffens up and you can't move it properly, but you also can't pop it for the life of you? Yeah, that but a little worse in that it's wanting to spread down into my back. I need to have my boobs cut off.

We were talking about boobs size at work the other day and it occurred to me: you can donate tissue, and marrow, and kidneys and still live, and we have liposuction, so there must be some way to donate one's boob fat to a needy A-Cup. I said at one point "I could make three women very happy". Then I realized how that sounded. Aren't I funny?

I may be quiet over the next week what with all the obsessive working, but I'll try not to disappear, even though I've been kinda sucky about it lately.

HI There!

2006-03-16T17:59:00.000-06:00

Jesus.
It's not really that I have news, I mean, there's potential news but I didn't want to talk about it until we knew for sure, but that contributed to my not posting for a week so I have to get over it.

Joe had a job interview in St. Louis last week, and we are supposed to hear back this week or so but here it is Thursday and we've heard nada. I worry that I jinxed it since I was so ambivalent about it. The job isn't his dream job, but it's in his field. It's not huge pay, but better than what we are both bringing in right now. I'd get out of Rolla, but the job itself is right down the street from his family, and they have a tendency to come over unannounced at all hours. I mean, his dad gets bored and drives two hours to visit as it is. We'd have to move again, and we just re-arranged the house around the fact that Jack now walks regularly. (After he hit thirteen steps in a row I stopped counting every time).
I don't know anyone in St. Louis. Well, I know people from the interweb, and a few people from UMR, but not anyone I talk to on a regular basis. Then again I don't hang out with many real people here in Rolla. I was going to go to MoPS on Tuesday but chickened out at the last minute. I was afraid they'd all be "grown-ups" and mature and not foul mouthed freaks. I'd like me some foul mouthed freaks for mom friends, but that's why I have you all.
Anyway, we are still up in the air on it, and I'll let you know as soon as I do. Being a pessimistic person by nature I keep thinking if we haven't heard yet we wont. It's no reflection of Joe's abilities, he's brilliant. It's just that I'm negative like that.

I have been busy, and it's all my own damn fault and rather ironic at that. Remember the whole thing where I laid down the law and said I wouldn't work with the bitch, and they told me they wouldn't cut my hours and then they did cut my hours and I was angry and hurt? Remember how I also said I prefer fewer hours anyway, so it was prolly for the best? Well, while still upset I went by one of the other locations and asked for a day here and there.
I've been working about 30 hours a week since then. I know. Like I said, my own damn fault and ironic as hell. I like everyone there though, and work has become somewhat fun again, but I'm always busy now and it's affecting my internet usage and that's just wrong.

There is a plus though: part of the reason my usage has been down is that with the broken laptop I have to use the desktop and can't sit on my ass on the couch and watch TV and surf all at the same time. BUT!
I'M GETTING A NEW LAPTOP!

I haven't decided on a particular brand or model yet, suggestions welcome since I'm about to start my research. It gives me something to look forward to. Plus, if we do move to StL I wouldn't be working so I could go back to being a lady of leisure. I mean, you all know how leisurely being a stay at home mom is right?

I'm really sorry I neglected everyone for so long. Please say you still love me?

Watch This Space

2006-03-16T15:59:00.000-06:00

All is well, and I haven't disappeared or lost the internet, and I have many tales to tell.
Real post later today, I swear.

March Books

2006-03-16T15:47:00.000-06:00

March 1-15

Lucky- Alice Sebold*
The Lovely Bones- Alice Sebold*
The Black House- Stephen King and Peter Straub
Twelve-Nick McDonell*
The Other Side Of The Story- Marian Keyes
Sushi For Beginners- Marian Keyes
Gal: A True Life- Ruthie Bolton
A Man Without A Country- Kurt Vonnegut
Breakfast of Champions- Kurt Vonnegut*

March 16-31
A Monk Swimming- Malachy McCourt
I Am A Fugitive From A Georgia Chain Gang- Robert E. Burns
You Have to Kiss a Lot of Frogs-Laurie Graff
Memoirs of a Geisha- Arthur Golden*
Female Intelligence-Jane Heller
Gump & Co.- Winston Groom
The Problem With Murmur Lee- Connie May Fowler
The Summons- John Grisham
Cell- Stepeh King
There may be others I've forgotten in the interim.

* Re-read

Better living through Chemistry.

2006-03-08T19:15:00.000-06:00

In honor of Huey Lewis' "I Want A New Drug" and the role it's been playing in my mind lately, I got a new drug.
This was at my own request, and if you had known me for any amount of time you'd be like "What the Fuck JRM! You've vowed not to do this since the late eighties!"
See, the drug I got is Strattera. An ADD/ADHD drug.

In the fourth grade the school I was attending insisted to my parents that they place me on Ritalin. It was 1987/1988 and ADD and Ritalin were the hot new things. Hell, ADHD hadn't even been coined yet but you can bet your ass that once they were my diagnonsense was amended.

At any rate, on the Ritalin I went, and suicidally depressed I became. Yep. In the fourth fucking grade I was suicidal. Now, my mental issues are genetic in my family, and it's likely I would have had them no matter what, but I believe to this day that they were triggered early by the Ritalin. It was only a year later that I began to take laxatives and exhibit the signs of my eating disorder.

Ever since then I have been adamant (successfully so) to every doctor I've had that I will NOT take ADD drugs. I developed tricks, and I put up with the lack of focus and the loss of attention to the task at hand.

Then I had a baby.

May I just say that all my coping mechanisms have gone straight out the window? Babies make even a non-afflicted person feel like they have ADD. For me, well, I have no clue what I'm doing any more. The other day at work I literally walked around for ten minutes because each time I changed location I couldn't remember why I'd done so.
Also, like I said, I wanted speed. So I thought hey, I've got therapy coming up, I'll get me some Adderal. After all, Tom Cruise hates it, there must be something going for it.

Well, it's a schedule two drug, one that drug companies won't provide for free to the poor and that the hospital won't allow the clinic it's ridiculously low $3 co-pay on. So I got Non Stimulant Strattera. And hey, if it's going to help me focus I wouldn't need the speed anyway. My Doc said it can take up to a month to hit full effectiveness since it's not like Ritalin and Adderal, so you can chart the progress with me. Won't that be fun!

I want a new brace*

2006-03-04T16:43:00.000-06:00

Did I ever tell you about my knees? I have this funny patellar something or other that basically means that my kneecaps like to spontaneously dislocate. Yeah, it's just as much fun as it sounds like.
I have this really fancy orthopedic brace made of neoprene that I can wear when it happens to get the muscles strengthened back up, and if I can catch it in time I wear it before I dislocate at all. I hate this brace. I really, really do. I get heat rash just about any time that I wear it since neoprene isn't the most breathable material, and I don't like the feel of it. I don't even hardly ever wear socks and shoes, and they are much less restrictive. So I hardly ever wear the thing, and I'm very bad about keeping it on when I do wear it.
All this is to say my left knee is hurting like a sonofabitch and I can't find my brace. Which would be fine, except by the twinges I am getting this one feels like a doozy.

Funny story- My knee once popped out while I was doing the Time Warp. My friends at school proceeded to tell everyone it happened while I was performing a ritualistic sex-act. Gotta love the Rocky Horror fans.

*Between reading American Psycho and the discussion about speed/caffeine I've had Huey Lewis stuck in my head. Whatever happened to him anyway? I saw him in Duets (Which didn't suck) but nothing since then. I hope he invested well over the years.

blargh ^2

2006-03-01T11:09:00.000-06:00

You know, it's funny. I was in such a bad mood, and so not looking forward to work, etc. etc. and I just knew it would be a bad day. Then it wasn't. Partly due, I'm sure, to the two Xanax I took before going in. (My life really is a lot better if I've taken my meds. Keeping that lesson in mind I took them this morning. Yay me!) It was mostly uneventful. Well, in regards to me and the bitch. There is this one manager whose been on her side in the sense of "Maybe she'll get better, play nice, blah blah blah". So at the end of the bitch's shift she was told she could go home and she insisted -practically begged- to stay and do some more work off the clock to help out. Ok, maybe she really is getting better.
Then our GM showed up as she was finally leaving. I saw her whisper something to the GM and vaguely wondered what she was saying. Then the GM comes up and says to the manager who has been nothing but nice to and about the bitch and says "Why did you make D work half an hour off the clock?". I stood up for the manager at this point, but she was really hurt and angry. Part of me was reminded about the story of the woman who saved the rattlesnake from the snow. "You knew what I was when you picked me up".

Fast forward to last night and the new schedule being put up. Now, I knew it would be hard to work it so that I didn't work with her, and I told my other manager I understood if I had to lose hours. She reassured me I wouldn't. Also bear in mind that for the last two weeks I've had half of my shifts where I didn't work with her anyway. So at most my hours would only be cut in half, right? But none of that matters because I was assured they wouldn't be cut at all.
So why then do I only have one shift all of this coming work week? Oh, I got lied to, that's why.
Now, to be honest, I like only working one or two shifts a week. I'd picked up a lot more hours lately and it was starting to take it's toll. So one shift per week is not that bad. Except when I honestly believed what I'd been told. I'm far less upset about the hours than about the fact that I was lied to. There was no need to lie! I said from the beginning I would understand having to have less hours. I was still so mad about it this morning I remembered to take my meds. I am completely aware of how much good is coming from this. But I'm a woman. I'm totally allowed to have conflicting opinions and emotions.

SO ANYWAY.
The real reason I started a new post was to ask if any of you out there in internet land keep rodents as pets, and would like some rodents as pets supplies that I have left over from when the Brunos were alive. (I had two twin mice who I couldn't tell apart so I named them both Bruno in a reference to a guilty pleasure book. You get cool points if you know what book I mean.)
I've got an aquarium, one of those balls where they can run around the house, some of the expensive bedding, and an almost full canister of food. Any takers? I'm such a packrat. I just can't throw out things that have use and or value, even if they have no use or value for me.

In the spirit of cleaning up I've already put together a trashbag full of clothes, and a box of books I will be taking to the thrift stores. If you've ever seen pics on my Flickr account you've seen all the crap in the background of all of them. I need serious downsizing. So that's sort of my thing for Lent. Downsize me and my belongings. And I'm not technically Catholic! I'm like Friday Playdate, I like the concept.
Side note- When you link to someone whose real name you know, but it isn't used on their website do you feel obligated to use their alias? I do, but I think it's because of how secretive I am about my real name. It can be found here, if you are looking closely, but it's an odd name so I don't mention it openly. I'd be too easy to track. (I always wished I could be like Dooce, with her "My Name is Heather B. Armstrong and you can suck it" but hardly any of us have her balls. Then again hardly any of us have her notoriety or career that her blog has wrought. That's both good and bad I think.)
I also wont use the names of people in my life outside Jack, Joe, and Caleb. It's mostly due to the fact that I feel I would need permission and very few people know about this blog. If I asked permission I'd have to tell them where it was and I like that people I know can't read this site, thankyouverymuch.

So yeah, blargh. Squared.

blargh

2006-02-27T08:35:00.000-06:00

So I am back in my foul mood, which worries me since today is the last day I work with the bitch. But, it's the last day I work with her, which helps, and I intend to be heavily medicated today as well. Stupid period.

Caleb is visiting for a few days, so all our schedules and habits are thrown out of orbit. I don't have a lot of structure, but every time it goes away I realize how fond I am of the bits I do have. I should work on structuring the rest of my time better. I know I'd achieve so much more, but well, I'm just too lazy. Which applies to me not making the schedule, and why I don't want to in the first place. Doesn't help that I am working on breaking my caffeine habit, and am a lot less active than normal. I need a nice safe legal version of speed. That would be swell.

Anyway, I mostly wanted to send up a warning flag about my mood.
I'm going to go make some food now.

Is this just me?

2006-02-24T16:39:00.000-06:00

I'm an overly dramatic person, I can admit it. I often get worked up about things that aren't really worth it in the long run, or form an instant disliking for a person that turns into gut wrenching hate.
Which is the situation here. Gut wrenching, acid filled, bring on the ulcer disliking for a person. Who I happen to work with and can't really avoid or ignore. I've tried, oh GOD I've tried, and this morning when I first went in to work things were going to well that I thought "Oh, I'm not going to have to go to the managers about this". Then she reminded me ever so clearly why I despise her.
So imagine crazy busy work time. Customers overflowing and everyone has to bust their butts to keep up. I call over to her "Hey, when you are done with that can you come help us" she looks up and tells me "I'm going to take the trash out". Customers OUT THE DOOR and she can't be bothered. (Which wouldn't be that big of a deal if she weren't constantly slacking off and putting the work off onto others.) Then later she asked a question, and when I answered she looked me straight in the eye and said "I refuse to answer to you".
I've been there for over a year altogether, and while I may not be a manager it's only because I turned down the promotion, and despite that I have seniority on her and WHERE THE HELL does she get off talking to me like that? In front of a manager? Who oh, by the way, didn't call her on it which just made it feel all that much worse to me.

I like the location I work at, but there are two other stores in town that I could also go to since our owner runs them all. I don't want to leave the people I work with, but since none of the other stores will take her (after she walked out on a shift she was "fired" until the manager at our store said she could have another chance. But only our store is willing to provide it) I'm going to have to be the one who takes the cut in the hours or the transfer. Because I cannot work with her. The stress is making my physically ill and it's just not worth it to me.
So now I have to lay down my semi-ultimatum (I'm really not saying it has to be me or her) to my bosses who are already amazing about working around my availability, but how much are they going to put up with? You can't waltz in and announce how things are going to be done when you are there. Although this bitch has done it and no one else at my store seems to see why that is a problem.

So I'm wondering if this is just me overreacting? Am I the only one who can dislike people so much it causes illness? Should I just suck it up and be an adult? (Though I've tried, really I have and that just isn't working) Do other people get this angry? I never know if it's how people are, or just me and my disease.
But I have to stop ranting now because my stomach hurts.

Edited to add: I've spoken with my manager and will no longer be scheduled with the bitch. I won't be losing hours. Makes me wonder which one of us will.
Also? I started my goddamned period again. The first time I went off Depo this happened but I was able to fix it by going on the pill because we didn't know then that it could kill me. Now I just get to deal. Lovely. Explains my emotions for the past few days though.

The Little Things

2006-02-23T16:55:00.000-06:00

So Mixter asked me to do the five random things meme, and I finally saw it, so I guess I should.
So.
Yeah.
Five random things about me.
1. I have been paid for acting, singing and writing. The writing was erotica. The acting and singing weren't.
2. I have 20 piercings in my ears.
3. I once had the Natalie Portman/ Sinead O'Connor head shaved look.
4. I am severely addicted to caffeine, but only in the form of Dr. Pepper (and it's generics). I hate all other soda.
5. I don't wear makeup. It's not a hippie thing, or a feminist thing, it's mostly a sweat thing and an I can't see wasting the time thing. When I do wear even the slightest bit of makeup (mascara and blush) everyone notices. I clean up well.

Now I want Moxiemomma to do this BUT she has to do five things that aren't on her 100 things list.

Lots of people are wondering if I will be attending BlogHer, and GOD I would love to go, I really would, but I am not. It's the money really. Even if I could come up with it there are so many other things that it could be spent on that I just can't justify the expense. If I made money off my blog, then I would be able to, because it would be work related, but I'm just not that dedicated and I'm not willing to quit cursing for Google AdSense. So I'll just be staying home turning green reading all the wonderful recaps that will be written. I don't think SJ is going either. We should organize some kind of online party where all the moms get drunk at the same time and blog about it. That could be hi-larious.

And finally:
(this is the best part)
A couple weeks ago SJ wrote about how she saw a minivan commercial, and realized she'd become that person who lusts after minivans. I commented that I was going through the same thing after Jack was born wanting to have my mom's van for all the lovely room it has. So anyway, today my mom was telling me that their other van didn't work all that well, but it still had at least a year on it, and that oh by the way, she and my father were giving it to me!
I'm getting a free van!
Sure, it's old and will need a transmission soon, but it's free! And mine!
We are now officially a three vehicle family which is awesome, but makes us sound much more well off than we are. We're more like those white trash families who have five junkers in the yard, except we aren't white trash and all the vehicles run, but you know what I mean.
Yippee!

American Psycho

2006-02-21T18:21:00.000-06:00

When you are depressed your shrink asks if your regular activities have * lost interest for you. Looking at how little I've been online in the past couple of weeks, I think it'd be pretty safe to say they have. What's also interesting is that I told my shrink not to worry about me unless I started not going to appointments. I then proceeded to miss my next two. (One was legitimate in that it wasn't scheduled properly. The other was totally me not wanting to go anywhere.)
I've been going to work, which is encouraging, but I just haven't been doing much else. I know a large part of the reason I've not been online is having to use the desktop now that my laptop is broken, but when I am staring at the computer thinking "I need to check my email and post" and then can't even motivate myself to do so then something's gotta give.

Did I mention I've been really slacking off in the taking the medicine department? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's the thing that has to give. It didn't really occur to me when I was on my three week period, because anyone is going to feel like hell if they are on their period for three weeks. But that's done now (FINALLY) (Thank God) and I still feel kind of crappy, and I hate everyone and I really should take my Xanax before I go to work. (I mentioned the new woman whom I despise, right? I despise her. I worked with her today. That's what got me thinking about the meds.)

So anyway, I guess what I am saying is that Jack's Raging Mommy needs to rage less so that she can rage more. Is that ironic or an oxymoron or what? There should be a word for that. Other than crazy, I've got that one all wrapped up.

*As I was writing this Jack took five steps in a row. FIVE!

February Books

2006-02-21T17:58:00.000-06:00

February 1-21
Men At Arms - Terry Pratchett *
Night Watch - Terry Pratchett*
The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
The Death Pit- Tony Strong*
The Ballad of the Sad Cafe and Other Stories- Carson McCullers
The Right Address- Carrie Karasyov and Jill Kargman
The Genius Factory- David Plotz
American Psycho- Bret Easton Ellis***
Running With Scissors- Augusten Burroughs
Girl In Landscape- Jonathan Lethem
The Year of Magical Thinking- Joan Didion

February 21-28
Nights of Rain and Stars- Maeve Binchy
Lords and Ladies- Terry Pratchett*
Less Than Zer0- Bret Easton Ellis
Junky: the Definitive Text- William S. Burroughs
The Botox Diaries- Janice Kaplan and Lynn Schnurnberger

I also attempted to read Get A Life, since it won the Nobel Prize for Literature. I got a couple of chapters in and thought "The Nobel? Seriously?"

* Re-read
*** Took way too fucking long to read. Just watch the movie.

What the hell kind of drug is the internet on lately?

2006-02-16T10:36:00.000-06:00

MY GOD.
So I was offline for a week. It seems in that time I've missed about four separate scandals that all seem to peripherally involve the concept of "the cool kids on the blog" or who gets to go to conferences. You know, I've already fessed up about my blog-envy, but maybe I should have been more clear.

Last year, when "everyone" went to BlogHer, I was green- absolutely green- with envy. Why couldn't I be one of the cool kids? Why am I such a non-entity on the internet? I'm clever too! Why won't anyone notice me? Or love me? When I found out it was an open conference that (most) people paid to attend, my jealousy abated somewhat. At that point I was just envious of the people that could afford to go and could figure out what to do with their young'un for that time. But there was still that voice in the back of my head that told me that certain people would have still all ended up getting drunk together in the hotel room and I totally would not have been invited. I think only one of them would have known who I was, based on the one attendee who has replied to a comment I've made.
Here's the thing though: even though I'm not one of the cool kids, and I was jealous as hell, and I wouldn't have gotten drunk with them -even though I can totally hold my alcohol and I'm a lot of fun- despite all of that I don't hate those who do fit that description. I'm a fairly evil bitch and it would never occur to me to A) Hate someone B) Start a members-only blog to bitch about people by name or C) Attack said people on their own websites.

Holy God people! Someone having comments does NOT mean they encourage or are asking for hate mail. It means that they enjoy intelligent, and funny discourse with others on the internet who share their sense of humor. If you don't like what they have to say, simply don't go back to their page. If you are utterly incapable of that level of consideration, at least attempt to point out your issue with them in an intelligent way, and to their "face" (on their site as opposed to starting an internet slam book about them). If you aren't capable of even that small consideration then you forfeit all right to be offended when they then stand up for themselves.

Somehow the trolls have gotten it into their heads that they can curse people, and insult them and trash them by name, but that the victims should "take it" and have no right to defend themselves. What is further ironic is that when the victims do defend themselves the trolls say that no one has a right to talk about other people. Do what now? You started this bitch fest madam troll! Now shut up and take your medicine. Without sugar!

I'm sad that people I like are being attacked by small minded fools who forgot how to act human, and have forgotten that acting the way that they are makes it even less likely for them to be liked. So what if the popular kids don't link to you and you link to them? I link to a lot of people who don't link to me, or know I exist. There are people who link to me that I don't have linked (though I have visited every site that has me linked. But I am small enough to do that), but I don't send hate emails demanding why I am not listed. It's their website, not mine. If it bothered me that much I would be free to de-link them and no longer read their site. But I don't, because as childish, and rage filled, and stupid as I can be, even I am not that petty.

That's what this all comes down to I think. People feel small like they did back in school, but since they are hiding behind a computer they grow the balls to "stand up" in a way they never could before. The problem is that they are punishing innocent people for pain that was caused by others a long time ago. These women don't get together and make up lists for one another about who is cool and who isn't. They don't plan topics, or site design, or causes. If two people happen to talk about the same thing it is neither a plot, nor someone copycatting another in an attempt to be cool.

WE ARE NOT IN HIGH SCHOOL ANYMORE.

Yes, we all know girls who did these things, but guess what? They grew up and so did you and the people on the internet aren't the head cheerleader whispering to everyone in English that you are a loser. If you honestly believe this, or are incapable of getting past feeling persecuted by the in crowd, then get offline and get into therapy. It's the best advice I can provide.

Ramblings with poor grammar

2006-02-15T10:33:00.000-06:00

It was 68 degrees here yesterday, and to celebrate the warmth we took Jack to the park for the first time. After plopping him down in the sand I sat down next to him waiting for the joy on his face at this new wonder. Alas, it was not to be. He started to crawl over to me, but as soon as his hands touched the sand he drew them back up as if he'd been burned. (He hadn't, if anything the sand was cool). This went on for about ten minutes. He'd want to go somewhere, put his hands down to crawl, and yank them back up in disgust. My son doesn't like the sand. Is he going to outgrow this? Am I doomed to years of no sandboxes or beaches? I suppose I could look at the brightside that he'll stay where put until he can stand up and walk without propping on his hands first, but it just made me sad.
(Yes, I do know he'll outgrow it. I am being facetious. It's me, what did you expect?)

Today is my third day off in a row, and while I like it, and need it, and love not getting out of my pajamas of a day, I find myself pleased that I am working tomorrow. Now, I did mention all the clueless new people right? I know I didn't tell you the story of the new person who made me so mad I actually said something rude to her and then was so angry my hands shook for the rest of the day. (What's great is when I can go to my managers and say "I said something rude and inappropriate in front of a lot of people" and NOT get in any trouble. They love me there. What's more, annoying new girl has pissed off the wrong person and will not be there long. Ahh. Misused power.) My point being that the entire last week of work sucked hard, and in so many ways, so why the FUCK am I looking forward to it? What does that say about my life? Or my home for that matter?
I've never been that person who said they'd still work after winning the lottery. Hell no. I knew my ass would quit. So why is it that even though it may not be the lottery, the fact that I don't technically have to work doesn't seem to be sinking in? I'm taking on extra shifts, going in early (I still won't stay late though. By the end of a shift I'm very much with the "screw you hippies I'm going home") and covering for people I don't even like. Is the needing to be out of the house that bad?

At any rate, I am working tomorrow. Which makes me oddly happy. I actually may be working for the next six days, by which point I'm sure I'll have reverted to my normal, not getting dressed and leaving the house self. Really, it's win win.

Hi bitches!

2006-02-13T16:57:00.000-06:00

So you know how I work really part time so that I can practically live on the internet? Oh, and practically be a stay at home mom? Yeah, so the last two weeks haven't been so part time, and what with the dead laptop and my not wanting to get my ass off the couch I haven't been online.
But I am alive, and all is well, and hi there my bitches! I'm back!

Jack took his first unassisted steps the other day. I gasped so loudly I scared Joe, and then of course I called my mother since I seem to have a more than slightly clingy relationship with her. I think it is a sign I need more real life friends so I am seriously considering going with someone I know to a group aimed at moms with children who aren't quite in school. (Aren't I coy by not technically saying the group name and trying to avoid drama other moms on the net have had by saying group names?) I'll let you know how that works out if I go, but I really don't get along with women in real life, so I am really hesitant.

Did you ever see American Psycho? You know the scene where his lists his daily shower regimen? Well, in the book that list is twice as long. And oh yeah, the whole book is filled with lists of clothes, food, jobs, business cards, and beauty products. I get it. It was the Eighties. They were materialistic. Now please just get on with the story! I've never been this let down reading the book of a movie I like.
As far as books go I'm only on my seventh for the month. I must be losing my touch or something. Stupid work. I want them to give me two weeks off again, but it's unlikely as we have assloads of new people and I am apparently the best trainer evar. Look, this is an easy ass job. If you can't figure this shit out in your first two days you wont. If they want to use me to ensure good employees they ought to let me do the hiring. I'm batting a thousand so far with my initial assessments. (I know I sound like it, but I'm not really hating work right now, just incompetent new people. Here's a thought, don't hire a person who lists their high school GPA as 2.0. I'm just sayin')

I really am sorry about the hiatus, and I'll try to do better, and I was really touched by the people who were worried about me in my absence.
Keep it real, homegirls!

I'm SMRT

2006-02-06T20:28:00.000-06:00

Today while demonstrating how to properly prep an onion, I used a little too much force and went straight through the onion into my hand with a brand new knife.
Onion juice in a cut is not what I'd call pleasant.

We have to take Jack back to the doctor's office tomorrow, since the antibiotics aren't stopping the progression of whatever Uber infection he has. I have a very unhappy baby.

And I am still on my period.

(Edited to Add: I sent my first report to the FBI tonight. It was a mild example, and from out of the country so I am not sure what, if anything , can be done about it. I'll keep you posted.)

Grey's Anatomy

2006-02-05T23:40:00.000-06:00

I just kept saying "You can't end the episode there!".

Snot nose diaries

2006-02-04T11:23:00.000-06:00

We are surrounded by sick children. Jack has bronchitis, after dealing with a cold for a couple weeks that decided to move down to his lungs. I feel really bad for the little guy, we have him on antibiotics but it's always hard when your baby feels bad and you can't make it better.
Caleb has been with us for a few days since his mom just had her new baby, and he's got a cold as well. Then to top it all off his mom just called to say she's in the hospital with the new baby. He has a 103 degree fever, and they are talking about doing a spinal tap.

Joe is going to go pick up Caleb's other brother from their aunt, then take them both to the hospital so that set of grandparents can pick them up and take care of them while their mom is at the hospital with the baby.

At least I don't have to feel guilty, since even though Jack was around the new baby the other day it would take a week for bronchitis to show up. I let Caleb's mom know he had it so that she could keep an eye out for signs, and she'll be able to tell the hospital he's been exposed as well.

I am really not her biggest fan, but no parent should have to go through the fear of a very sick newborn. I hope everything else works out okay, and if you all could keep them in your thoughts or prayers I'd appreciate it.

On the homefront my laptop still hates me, and I'll have to set up one of my much less powerful desktops. (I have three. I am a geek. I wear it with pride.) I got my laptop for $400 about three years ago, even though it was a $1000 machine, because I bought it off someone I knew, and on top of that she let me make payments. I'm not likely to find that sweet of a deal again, so yet another reason to be sad. And angry, and in denial. I've got all the stages of grief going here.

I'm glad everyone likes the strawberries. I was quite pleased with how it turned out myself. The only problem is that every time I go online I get cravings. :)

Son of a Bitch

2006-02-02T21:04:00.001-06:00

So my laptop decided to die. I have other computers, and I'll get around to setting one up, but my appearances may be sporadic for a bit. Not to mention I have to figure out how to back up my hard drive so I can still have all my content.
Fuck.

Working for the man every night and day

2006-01-31T21:41:00.000-06:00

We all (those of us paranoid enough to have site trackers) comment upon and laugh at the search terms people use that lead them to our sites. My top two are still "Gorgeous Nipples" and "Naughty Housewives".
The porn fiends usually take one look at our sites and head (pun intended) off for their true goal. Really, it's just funny.

Until you get those creepy ones. The ones that make you shudder a bit. The ones that make you think there should be something you can do. The ones that border on or actually are quests for child pornography.

Now, I'm no friend of "The Man". I don't like the government getting too involved on our lives and private business. But as a mother, as a human the thought of child pornography erases all those hesitations. So I did what every mother would do, and I went to "The Man" in the form of the local FBI office. That's right sickos, I'm turning your ass in. I'd be concerned about tipping them off, but not a one of them has stuck around or bothered to read this, so I'm thinking we're all good.

I did warn the agent that the content here is meant to be humorous, and taken with a grain of salt, and my life really wasn't like that, and oh, I use a ton of profanity.... by this point I was babbling out of nervousness that the FBI might read my site and wonder if I should be put under surveillance. But The United State Government would never illegally monitor it's citizens, right? To be fair though, it was the NSA that President Bush used for his modern version of Nixon's tapes, not the FBI.

But just in case, Hi Mr. Agent Man! Welcome! I really am not this crazy, it's my persona. Don't worry about a thing here, okay?

I still feel like a tool.

9 months

2006-01-30T21:38:00.000-06:00

The gestation of a human child takes nine months, and thank GOD we aren't elephants. Those nine months can be some of the slowest, most painful, most uncomfortable and most boring months of our lives. I know a lot of women enjoy, and revel in the state of pregnancy. Personally, I would prefer to move to a state with more liberal laws. But there we are and there we stay. Nine months of anticipation and worry and excitement and dread and preparation and eating.

Jack is nine months old today. This time has passed so much more quickly than his gestation. Mommies know what I mean. Technically, it's takes the same amount of time, and Einstein might disagree with our assessment that time has flown faster, but try telling that to a stressed out hormonal mother and see what you get.

Now is where I brag. My nine month old stands up when he has something to hold on to (though he has had a few split seconds where he's stood without aid) and walks (again as long as there is something to hold on to). We aren't taking hesitant steps here, he throws himself, sometimes physically, into the task. He has four teeth with two more about to come through. He talks (mama, dada, hi, baba) and waves to people he knows. Genius, thy name is Jack, and if you try to disagree may I remind you about the whole hormonal mother bit?

Here's the thing. I still feel like I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I worry about making mistakes that will require years of therapy that our future medical care won't take care of. I worry about the crazy that is me, and how that along with the genetic predisposition will effect him. But I do my best, and I love him ferociously, and when I see how happy he is I think somewhere, somehow I must be doing something right.

I don't think I'll ever feel as if I'm doing the job properly, and many say that doubt is a wonderful thing, that as long as you care you are on the right track. Those are the thoughts that help me sleep at night.

I'm still not ready to think about another child, and a large part of that is the disbelief I could love another to the degree I love him. I'm still not ready for him to stop loving mommy and turn to daddy, and I'm so not ready for the talking back. But it's okay, those things are far down the line and while he may not be my tiny little guy he was when he was born, he's still my amazing baby boy who thrills me daily, and who I love more than myself.

I'm still thankful we aren't elephants though.

I can't take it anymore

2006-01-28T20:05:00.000-06:00

So I lost it earlier. Full on hysterical crying. Mouth stuck open in a screaming shape without the ability to actually scream because even as I'm losing it I'm worried about what the neighbors will think.

I just feel like there is so much that I deal with, and I'm the one who has to keep it all together, keep it all going and I am so fed up with it I'm starting to lose it. I don't have the motivation anymore, but I also know that I have to do it because it wont get done other wise, and it has to be done. Someone has to keep the baseline of existence going here. Since I seem to be the one that can do it, I am the one that gets stuck with it. And I am resentful as hell. I hate the fact that there are certain things I have to do because others are too fucking incapable of figuring out the simplest facts of how things work. So I take it, and I handle it, and I do it all and I have reached the limit of what my system can take. Then in the fucking middle of my breakdown I am expected to take over everything again. I cannot do this anymore. I am done. I am fed up, full up, and sick and fucking tired of being the manager of everything.

I need a vacation. I need to not have a husband, a baby, or a job for a while. I wish I could just go somewhere and be alone for a week. A week where I don't have to do anything, or handle anything, or figure anything out. A week where I'm not the one who has to make the decisions, or even be a part of the negotiations. A week where I can stay in bed and not have a single responsibility.

I know we could all use this, but considering I'm the one who had the hysterical collapse today I get to go first. If you don't like it, then fuck you. When you are this close to walking out the door for good, you deserve a break, damn it.

It also doesn't help that I've been dealing with my period for two full weeks. God damn going off the stupid fucking Depo shot with it's dumb ass side effects.

Food Reviews

2006-01-27T15:32:00.000-06:00

Baked Cheetos: They are a good thing. They taste a bit like a cross between a regular Cheeto and a Cheesy-poof. Which is great unless you don't like cheese, in which case you are an instrument of the devil and should leave my site. Begone foul spirit!

Recently I purchased some very expensive olives (expensive for olives) that were stuffed not with pimentos, but with feta cheese. I like feta, and I eat olives out of the jar so I was looking forward to my yummy, yummy treat. What the jar failed to mention is that the olives were not packed in the usual brine, but in oil. (Not even olive oil, but sunflower oil. WTF?) Okay, let me just say, that shit is nasty. Have you ever had tuna in oil? I'm not a fan. I am especially not a fan of really expensive olives stuffed with feta being packed in oil. Damn.

Campbell's Select Gold Label Soup: Now, Penny Pressed recently posted about how much she dislikes John Lithgow's commercials for this product, and I have to say I wholeheartedly agree. They are guaranteed to get the mute button in this house, a sign of true disdain. However, I am a big fan of soup, and I figured if I didn't buy any of the ones he'd shilled for so far, that I wouldn't be encouraging bad advertising. So I got myself some soup. Today I had mushroom filled ravioli soup (which I refuse to refer to as "the mushroom filled ravioli diet", another ad campaign I despise). Sure it was good soup, but I didn't dig it any more than I do store brand chunky chicken noodle or clam chowder. So I have no qualms about officially calling for a boycott on CSGLS, cause we wont really be losing out on anything, and it may get John Lithgow to stop taking stupid commercial roles.

Now you tell me internet, have you had any good foods lately that I simply must try, seeing as how I love food?

I feel like ass (version 2)

2006-01-26T19:35:00.000-06:00

This was the start of my original post:
"I always thought that was a particularly good way to say I feel like shit and I don't want to do anything but sit here on my couch eating Cheetos and drinking Dr. Pepper and watching TV. Hey! I could be Britney Spears! Oh, except my husband isn't a trashy loser and actually earns a living and has something worthwhile to contribute to society."

After that point, I wrote what was by far the most offensive thing to ever appear on this site. No, you can't read it. No, it didn't have anything else to do with Britney Spears.

I took it down, not because I was afraid of making people mad (I had hate comments in the first five minutes of it being up) but because I was actually shocked at myself. I was really harsh. None of this is to say I don't believe what I wrote, I do. But I don't have to express that belief the way I did. Though, the Troll that did comment certainly made me feel justified in the statements. Somehow I'm a bigot, but you are the one making assumptions and accusations. But anyway, into draft-land went the post.

Now though, I can't really think of anything to say. My mood is such that I could talk about puppies and be a horribly offensive bitch about them, too.

Anyway, if you hate me now, sorry. If you don't hate me, good. If you are dying of curiosity, sorry as well.

Oh but hey! It appears to not be a hernia after all, so that's something good, right?