I Am Jack's Raging Mommy

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Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Revelations (Parenthetically speaking)

I realized today that I often have nothing to talk about since I often do nothing. Seriously. I don't go out a lot, I haven't worked in over three weeks, my library trips are rare since I usually get about eight books at a time. Even then, it's the library, not a place that you can really strike up conversation, or overhear any interesting conversations.

I suppose I could go to the park, or the Juice /Smoothie bar that we just got (which is wonderful, but expensive and it's not like I don't own my own blender so it's hard to justify going to often. Not that I make smoothies at home, 'cause I never seem to have the motivation. The long and the short of it is that I don't drink a lot of smoothies) or even to Panera with their free WiFi and whatnot, but those all seem like they are me-centric. The park is possibly my best one, but it has been in the 90's, and Jack hates sand. Not to mention that the few times we've been I just haven't seen that many other kids. So if I did do something I would like instead, Jack would pretty much just be sitting in a stroller or atatched to a leash (which I still don't have, only making it another tool in my procrastination toolbox) and can you see how I can never think of anything?

Rolla isn't big (we just now got a smoothie place and WiFi) and there simply aren't too many options. We don't have museums or galleries, or science centers or zoos or well populated and maintained parks. I'm scared to death of going to MoPs, because please trust me when I say I am not the witty sparkling person you know and love in real life. I counteract the fact that I am shy by nature by being too loud, and my jokes are crude and they meet in a church. Also? I don't own a dress. (I wouldn't have to wear a dress, and I do technically own a couple dresses but everything is from when I was skinny except my wedding dress. Since Joe's sister is getting married I have to buy a dress and it's been on my mind as a sign of how not the normal mother I am.)

I'm not good at making friends. I had a teacher suggest Carnegie's book one time, said in a way that implied she was joking. She wasn't joking. I do oddly enough own that book now, but I've never read it. I even procrastinate having a life.

I told my therapist today that I don't leave the house unless I absolutely have to, and that outside of Jack and Joe I have a hard time finding any interest or drive in my life. He was concerned at first but after he determined I did find pleasure in Jack (who was with me in therapy... thrilling) he kind of let the subject go. My meds are all the same, and as this was a new doctor he got to hear my history. It's always fun to see people's faces when they hear it. But other than that it was relatively uneventful, and unenlightening as I got no advice for finding any kind of joi in my vive.

So I turn to my real source of therapy, you internet, and I ask? Are any of you socially phobic people with no lives who live in small towns and know good first steps to take? Anyone?


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