I Am Jack's Raging Mommy

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Monday, June 05, 2006

Stomach Churning Anger

Finding Thomas has made me depressed and angry. It took me a long time to get over that whole debacle the first time around. I was dead inside for a long time, then when I did feel anything it was massive amounts of hate and anger. I let Thomas chip away at who I was and form me in to who he wanted me to be until I lost myself. That was just as much my fault as his. I was a strong person before him, I should have known better. The first guy I felt anything for after him dumped me when he found out I'd had a baby. I was celibate by choice for three years. There was no way I was going to put myself in a position where I would have to go through all of that again.

Eventually I was in a relationship that was in a way messier than the one with Thomas, but was better in many more. I learned a lot about myself and who I was and what I wanted in love and life. So that was good. I try to focus on that. It didn't work out, but if it had I don't think I'd be anywhere nearly as happy as I am today. I have a lot to be thankful for in my life that way. There were a lot of paths that I almost went down that would have led to very bad places, and very bad versions of me as a person.

The funny thing is, Thomas wouldn't even rank in my Top 5 most important relationships. He would be the third-guy-I-had-sex with blip if I hadn't had a baby with him. He as an ex is nothing, and I'd be more than happy to move on and never think of him again. As it is I am forever connected to this man, who I despise, because he provided half the DNA for my older son. Who, thankfully, looks and acts nothing like him.

Now I have a real man. A good man. A grown man. I have a real family and I know what a relationship is supposed to be. I've matured, and more importantly I've remembered what it means to not have my life decided by the man in it.

Yes, I am still pissed at him. I am so angry that he did the things he did. I'm angry at him for not respecting me or loving me for the person I was. Mostly I think I am angry that he still hasn't grown up. He can't feel bad or apologize because he's still the conceited sociopath he was back then, and is incapable of seeing the damage he caused.

It may make me a bad person, but I want him to suffer. Sure, karma and all that. He'll get his in the end and most likely he'll burn in hell. But I want to see the evidence dammit!
Maybe I haven't matured that much :)

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