I'm not going to BlogHer.
Don't get me wrong, I want to go. I want to go so much I am already having jealousy pangs when I read who is going. And who gets to speak, and on and on.
I want to go! I want to meet these women I like so much. I want to hear them speak. I want to be good enough that I could be asked to speak. But alas I am none of these things.
I can't afford to go, I don't have any one to watch Jack. Though if I could afford to go I'd just take Jack and use the nifty BlogHer day care they have this year. I could show him off, and people could see that I'm not exaggerating when I say how cute, and brilliant, and amazing he is. Cause he totally is!
Then again, if I didn't bring Jack I could drink. Well, actually, it'd be better if I didn't drink. No one would ever speak to me again if they met nervous, drunk JRM. Trust me on this one. So taking Jack would be like protection, and a buffer so people would think I'm cooler than I am.
But it's moot, because I don't get to go.
And I'm jealous.
I don't want to be one of those girls who whined and bitched all over the internet last year about being left out of the Mean Girls sleepover. I know anyone can go. I know it's not a club and that these women aren't the bitches back in high school. I don't hate anyone for getting to go, or for talking about getting to go.
It's the fact that I don't hate them that makes me want to be able to go so much. I admire so many of these women so much. It's kind of like those heterosexual girl crushes I used to get when I would have sever cases of hero worship back in High School. Something about large groups of women always make me feel like I am in High School again. I'm sure a therapist could have a field day with that one.
A therapist could have fun with a lot of things about me, really.
Have I mentioned lately that I'm a terribly insecure person?
But the point really is that I am very happy for everyone, and really excited, I am just also really, really green.