I Am Jack's Raging Mommy

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Monday, September 12, 2005

This is not the Mommy you are looking for

I've been fed up lately. With being married, being a mom, everything. I don't know how it is that I can love my child and husband so fiercely, yet not want either of them a lot of the time. I don't want to go back to staying out all night drinking, and having to deal with dating and all that insanity. At the same time though I feel as if whatever it is that makes me me, and an individual, has disappeared. There's also no small amount of frustration with Joe and the fact the I am the default parent. It's hard enough when he works nights and sleeps during the day so that I have no break from Jack four days a week, but on his days off it also falls to me to take care of everything. When you can't remember the last time you were truly alone, then something has got to change. So yesterday I played hookey.

Joe was going to the store, and I wanted him to take Jack along. After all, I always take Jack with me when I go so it seemed fair. Now sure, Joe was correct in pointing out that he's asleep most of the time if I take Jack to the store, but it didn't lessen me wanting a break. Or how pissed off I got. I am pretty sure the words "selfish prick" were muttered. So I sat and stewed and thought about how shackled I felt. Then I decided to run away.Not really run away, though it's often been something I've dreamed of in my old life. I just don't feel that unhappy and unfulfilled now, so I am aware at least that things are better these days. But that doesn't mean that I don't get tired and I don't need to hear myself think and only have to pay attention to myself at times.

Once Joe got back with the car I left. I was a couple miles down the road when I realized there was no baby in the car, so I could blast the stereo. I was a couple more miles when I realized I could smoke. (Yes, I smoke at times. Yes, I quit for the pregnancy. Yes, it's stupid of me. ) I ended up driving to a town half an hour down the highway, and then driving around my old haunts there and reminiscing and remembering why my life is better now. I also stopped by my old work where my former boss practically begged me to let her babysit sometime. As I trust her, and desperately wanted to be able to go out sometime, I was thrilled. I know I will be taking her up on it soon. So actually my little act of rebellion paid off in more ways than one.

When I got home Joe tells me "You can go out you know. I don't mind". Alrighty then. So I took a nap. Since he didn't mind watching Jack and all.

Now to de-vilify Joe. He takes turns with the night time care, and he does play with and feed Jack on his days off. I'm sure most of you have noticed it as well, but the dads spend less time caring for the babies than the moms do, whether due to work or whatever. So they aren't as used to one another, and Joe doesn't know the best ways to calm Jack or what each kind of cry means. He's learning, and he really does a good job, but if you have kids you know how it is. Either he gets frustrated or you do so you end up taking over and feeding the baby yourself. So he's not a horrible father, and I don't hate him, but I am sure you all know that sense of being overwhelmed. At any rate, the break was good for me. Play hookey internet, it's worth it.