I Am Jack's Raging Mommy

Please go to http://jacksragingmommy.com

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Screw you, skinny bitch

I was just over at Sarcastic Journalist getting caught up on missed posts, and read about the Alpha Mom and non-existant baby weight gain. I replied:

I bought more fat pants today, then I had an ice creme cone and 3/4 of a footlong sub from subway- with bacon and cheese and mayo. Do I have a fat ass? You bet I do! But my food was good and I am much happier in that respect than some really hungry twig. I hate the twigs. I want them all to blow away in a stiff breeze.
Jack is only twelve weeks old. I am allowed to sill have my belly and fat ass. So there all you stupid skinny ladies in the waiting room. “My baby is three days younger than yours and look how thin I am". Eat me, skinny bitch. You own pants that don’t give you muffin top? Well hoo-ray for you. When your bones break from lack of nourishment don’t come crying to me. Nor will I sheild you in case of disaster. Get your own fat ass.

I have an eating disorder. I began making myself vomit and taking laxatives when I was eleven. Eleven. Our society is fucked up. I know not every young girl sees advertising and actresses and thinks they have to be like that at any cost, but enough do. Even though I am pretty much in recovery I still have a very hard time. I don't weigh myself, and for my whole pregnancy to ensure I didn't fall into old habits I had to face away from the scale and not be told what I weighed. Every time I see a new doctor or nurse I have to open with "I have an eating disorder and can't know how much I weigh". This is usually in a hallway with others around and is quite humiliating. Especially since I am overweight right now, and I just look even more stupid saying it. I had a nurse once get irritated and roll her eyes at me that I didn't know how much I weighed, though to be honest most people are more considerate than that.

I went clothes shopping today since I can't fit my fat ass into anything. More accurately my fat belly, cause I can get stuff on, just not fastened. My boobs and belly are so much bigger I can't wear most of my normal summer clothing, because to be blunt, there's not much there. However, I am SO not one of those women who can wear a camisole top with a pot belly hanging out. That is trashy. No shirts, no shorts, on to the thrift store. I got two pairs of shorts and two shirts. Clothes shopping is an ordeal. I usually end up in tears. As it is I am still torn up about it and ranting here and in SJ's comments. I know, I could work out! I could eat right! I could be all responsible and healthy cause that's worked so well for me in the past. Well, I am not walking in this heat, and I don't have money for the gym membership right now. As for food, well, I'm doing well not to binge and empty the fridge.

No, I am not going to slip, and yes, I am behaving myself. I just needed to vent. It's really very hard for me despite how well I am doing.