I Am Jack's Raging Mommy

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Thursday, August 18, 2005

Wedding Freakout #2 (But not a real green dress that's cruel)

Actually occurred in the changing room yesterday. I went dress shopping, and it was about the fourth stop and I think I'd had enough.

It all started out innocently enough. The first place we went to I was undaunted when none of the four dresses I tried would work. True, I could get two of them on and zipped up and whatnot, but they showed off the lumpiness of the house that Jack built far too well.

So we tried the consignment shop in town (the only consignment shop in town) and I tried on a green dress that probably started it's life as a bridesmaid's dress. It was pretty, and would work well, but it was a bit too big, and as such was actually loose in the chest. I don't think I've ever tried on a dress that was loose in the chest, even before I hit the Anna Nicole proportions I am at now.
We went on to another store, and they had absolutely nothing to even try on, so on to store number four.

Now, I've previously mentioned I have some agorophobia issues. I'd been out in public all afternoon clothes shopping. Clothes shopping is always a very painful experience for me that usually ends in tears.
Yesterday was no exception.
My mother has been shopping with me so many times when I've ended the day crying that I am surprised she didn't see it coming

Going into this store I'd said to my mother "Why don't we just go get the green dress?"
"I want you to have something you could wear again" she says, and since she's paying, in I go.
I took three outfits in to try on, and by this point I've started looking at skirt and blouse combinations out of desperation. I am sure it was my stress, and the fact that I was tired, and that nothing had worked so far, but I just started weeping. I had the full "I'm huge. I'm disgusting. I don't deserve to get married" mantra going in my head. I was afraid I would go into full-on hysterics mode. It's happened before.

I was too embarrassed to even leave my changing stall, lest my mother see I'd been crying or some innocent shopper be blinded by the fat. I also knew that my mother would tell me I looked great, and even though she wouldn't be lying to make me feel better it would have felt like it. I simply did not have it in me to believe her.

Rather pitifully I call from my mirrored hell "Can we please just go get the green dress?"
So we did.
And it's pretty and I am really happy with it. Honestly the only reason I didn't immediately buy it was the looseness in the chest and my fear I'd miss finding something better. Which my mother misunderstood as me not liking the dress. She was afraid I was just settling for it, hence her making me go to the last store. She wanted to make sure I found the perfect thing, which I love her for so much. But she really should be used to the crazy by now.

I have my dress, and today we picked up the wedding bands and got Joe's hair cut. I also got a really beautiful hair accessory barrette-thingy, and some new lipstick. This is a big deal as I wear makeup maybe four times a year. But how often do I get married? So I thought why the hell not.

I still have to figure out the shoes though.

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