I Am Jack's Raging Mommy

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Sunday, August 07, 2005

My ass is so big it has it's own zip code

Angela over at Fluid Pudding has now lost over half her baby weight. As Harper was born two days before Jack I now have to step up to the plate and work my ass off. (I am just full of clever today. Earlier I stated that my ass was embarassing)

My excuses:
-My mother's gym membership wont allow me to come along until it's time to update her contract. Then and only then can she add me. I cannot afford one of my own right now.
-I would walk down the road and back but my excuse here is two-fold. It's freakin' hot, and even though it's cooled down immensely there are evil possibly rabid dogs down there. Ok, so they aren't rabid (I don't think) but quite possibly feral. It's the backwoods I tell you!
-I would eat better but as Joe has one of those damnable metabolisms that are faster than hell, and that I used to possess, he must eat many calories and I don't want to cook two meals.
-Jack wouldn't know me if I got skinny. (I'm reaching. I'm such a lazy bitch)

Reasons they are crap:
-Joe's working again now and I am pretty sure we could spare a bit of our alcohol budget to pay for me to work out.
-This one isn't crap, but it's also helped along by laziness.
-Crap crap crap. Joe would eat whatever I made, he'd just eat larger portions.
-So I said to myself, "JRM, you are lying through your teeth and grasping at straws and every other bad metaphor. Jack will certainly not know you if you stay a fat cow and die of a heart attack. Get off your lazy ass"

Unfortunately when that bitchy voice in my head (the one that sounds like me, not the one that sounds like Wallace Shawn. And my having Wallace Shawn in my head is a whole other issue) yells at me I must listen. If I don't she threatens to make me like preppy clothes. And boy bands.

So anyway, yesterday I did some crunches, and leg lifts, and evil work out things designed to decrease me starting at my belly button and continuing down to my thighs. Seriously, my lower legs and arms are still thin. I look like Humpty Dumpty.
In the past I've gotten an obsessive track about things like this, I once was doing 500 crunches a night. But fear of becoming like that again has kept me from it, until that too became a bullshit excuse and now I must try again.
I'm still not getting on a scale until my clothes are falling off though.

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