I Am Jack's Raging Mommy

Please go to http://jacksragingmommy.com

Monday, December 05, 2005

170 means shit to me

Oh Internet.
I am supposed to be writing a post about my weekend, and the baby-free time, but I just cant get behind it. I am too busy feeling like a loss and a failure as a person.

This is not who I thought I would be. This is not who anyone thought I should be. Maybe I wasn't voted most likely to succeed, but I was voted most unique (a title created my senior year that I won almost unanimously) and how the hell do I say "yes, I was the most unique but now I am just a Stay At Home Mom" and why do I feel it's a "just" situation, and how do I justify that I am no longer technically "Stay At Home"?

I was supposed to be the first in my family to go to a real college. There was this whole "genius" thing that I had laid on me, that I don't know that anyone can really live up to. What the hell does an IQ mean at the end of a day? What does it mean that my scores were so high when I can't even function in society? I can't even make up my mind what to study. Sometimes I write it off as being a polymath, and having too many abilities in too many areas, but that requires me to buy into the mythiology of who I was supposed to be.

I have been paid for acting, my great love supposedly, yet I know I could never be anything great. I've been paid for my writing, but I still view that as a fluke and I am so scared to try again I've never finished anything since.

I love Joe, and I love Jack, but do I use them as excuses to not try? You bet your ass I do. I'm so scared of failure I can't leave the world of mediocre almost minimum wage jobs in case I can't live up to what everyone thought I'd do.

I never graduated high school you know. I was suspended two months before graduation, and though I did briefly attepmt to finish my last semester the next year, I got pregnant and it was far too easy to quit. My GED score was so high that at many schools my scholarships would have been higher than were I in the top 10th % of my graduating class, which I easily was. And see? I still feel the need to justify my intelligence.

Oh internet, I so often hate myself. I hate my decisions, and the places that they took me in my life. I think I should be better than this, but really I am afraid that I am not.

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