I Am Jack's Raging Mommy

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Saturday, January 28, 2006

I can't take it anymore

So I lost it earlier. Full on hysterical crying. Mouth stuck open in a screaming shape without the ability to actually scream because even as I'm losing it I'm worried about what the neighbors will think.

I just feel like there is so much that I deal with, and I'm the one who has to keep it all together, keep it all going and I am so fed up with it I'm starting to lose it. I don't have the motivation anymore, but I also know that I have to do it because it wont get done other wise, and it has to be done. Someone has to keep the baseline of existence going here. Since I seem to be the one that can do it, I am the one that gets stuck with it. And I am resentful as hell. I hate the fact that there are certain things I have to do because others are too fucking incapable of figuring out the simplest facts of how things work. So I take it, and I handle it, and I do it all and I have reached the limit of what my system can take. Then in the fucking middle of my breakdown I am expected to take over everything again. I cannot do this anymore. I am done. I am fed up, full up, and sick and fucking tired of being the manager of everything.

I need a vacation. I need to not have a husband, a baby, or a job for a while. I wish I could just go somewhere and be alone for a week. A week where I don't have to do anything, or handle anything, or figure anything out. A week where I'm not the one who has to make the decisions, or even be a part of the negotiations. A week where I can stay in bed and not have a single responsibility.

I know we could all use this, but considering I'm the one who had the hysterical collapse today I get to go first. If you don't like it, then fuck you. When you are this close to walking out the door for good, you deserve a break, damn it.

It also doesn't help that I've been dealing with my period for two full weeks. God damn going off the stupid fucking Depo shot with it's dumb ass side effects.

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