I Am Jack's Raging Mommy

Please go to http://jacksragingmommy.com

Monday, August 22, 2005

J, my eldest, is a smart boy. (Since he does not live with me I will not give any identifying factors to him or his family)
Joe, Jack and I were supposed to visit recently to introduce him to Jack.
Now, as a birth mother, I've always wanted J to know that I loved him. As it is, he defines the fact that I am his birth mother to mean that I love him. But I have always wondered how I would explain having a child that I was keeping, one I was able to not give away.

No matter how many catch phrases or platitudes one comes up with, it is a difficult concept.
We were supposed to visit recently, so that J could meet his half brother. (He also refers to Joe as his half dad. Since he'd never met a male in my life before Joe there is some concern that he may think Joe his birth father, but as far as we can tell he does not)

I was supposed to visit J and introduce Jack a couple weeks ago, but things didn't work out as planned and we had to cancel. (Did I mention how much I dislike Joe's baby-mama?)
Today I talked to J's mom and found out that J's brother (also adopted) and J were very upset that we had to cancel. J's brother reportedly had his face in his hands weeping "Baby Jack will still get to visit, right?".
So now I feel like shit.

I did ask J's mom that the boys were both aware that Jack was not coming to stay. She reassured me that all was well, but I still know that some day soon J will wonder why I kept Jack with me while giving J to another family.
He's asked about his birth father, but only in the vaguest sense, so we all breathe a sigh of relief over that one. (Though I am allowed to visit J, his birth father/ sperm donor is not. As he has never shown a desire to see his firstborn, I doubt this will ever be a problem)

I know when J is an adult he will completely understand, and for now he only understands to a certain degree. I just dread when he begins to add the situation up and wonders what the real reason I could not keep him is.

It's a very good thing I do not get married often.

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