I Am Jack's Raging Mommy

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Thursday, July 28, 2005

If SJ has the balls, so do I

Internet, I am depressed. I've been having a really difficult time posting, because I want to be entertaining and fun and it's just not there. My funniest things lately have been self deprecating takes on how I actually feel. The whole fat ass thing? I really hate myself right now. You know how I keep saying I am tired? I am, but mostly it's the depression. Not quite as far as having a "plan" but not so great. Joe being in Omaha really doesn't help either. That feeling of being alone in the world with no one who cares is only intensified. I have agorophobia to a degree, and right now I have zero motivation or desire to leave the house and go anywhere. I haven't been talking to anyone other than Joe, who calls once a day. Your comments are a bit of a life saver right now. It shows that someone is interested, and notices my existence.

Depression is not a logical creature. Yes, I have Jack and Joe. My parents and brother love me and I am in the same house as them. So I am not unloved and alone by that definition. I barely have any pictures of Jack and I together because I look so enormous in all of them. Yes, I know I just had a baby and am allowed to be fat, but I can't help it. They make me cry. I know that leaving the house will not kill me, and that no one is staring at me thinking I am ugly or fat. You can't tell my heart that though. It's this deep dark place that swallows you up, and you forget that the top of the pit even exists, let alone how to get out.

I'm going back to my old clinic and getting on the combination of meds I was on before I was pregnant. I've mostly stopped breast feeding anyway (another point of depression) so I can take my category D drugs again. The Zoloft and Depakote combo is not cutting it. When you have to keep upping the dosage for no discernible difference it's time to try something new.
Reassurances: I have not made myself throw up or taken any laxatives. I have been eating. I have not cut myself or injured myself in any way. I don't want to. However, I know this pattern and I know the path I am on and I have to change some things soon.
I don't like me when I am depressed, and I doubt you would either, even with as shielded from it as you all are.

Cross your fingers for me internet?


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