I Am Jack's Raging Mommy

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Sunday, September 25, 2005

You shouldn't like me

I had a dream the other night, at first it was just a dream about going to check out a house that we are actually going to look at in real life. So I am walking down this street looking at all these beautiful houses. Now, I have lucid dreams anyway, but me walking when I could drive is the best way to know I was dreaming. Anyway, I get to the one I am looking at and so I go in and walk around. It's perfect. I swear, if I could find this place in the real world I'd take it in a moment. It wasn't new, or modern but there was just something about the space, the layout, it felt like home.

Anyway, I'm looking around when I ran into my friend Patricia. She'd written a story she wanted me to read, and as I am reading I noticed several things that seemed to be references to me, and that were marked with footnotes. So I flip to the back and start reading the footnotes that explain that it is indeed about me, and why and talking quite brutally about my past.

I'm so not innocent internet. I'm a drunk, I've done my share of drugs, and I've done more than one thing or person that embarrasses me. Serious embarrassment. My face can turn red about things that happened five years ago that I doubt anyone else even remembers. I beat myself up about things that I've done, that I know others have done similar or the same, but I also know that most people only have one or two of those stories. I have 50.

For instance? I once broke my hand by repeatedly punching a wall when drunk. See, I'd accidentally told The Dave's girlfriend that he cheated on her. I really did think she knew, I mean, he told us she knew. Well she didn't. And to add insult to injury, I may have told her about person X, but I didn't reveal that The Dave and I had been making out a lot on our own. I really am a terrible person.

So anyway, in my dream the story was painful, and humiliating, and I had to keep reminding myself that I had not ever peed on a tree at a party because I was too drunk to find the restroom. The thing is internet, I don't know how much better that is than getting caught making out on the bathroom floor with what turned out to be another girl's boyfriend. In all honesty I didn't know they were together.
At least it was Joe.


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