I Am Jack's Raging Mommy

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Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Self Loathing in the Blogosphere

I have a confession to make. I am jealous of other bloggers. I've always had severe inferiority issues, and I see all these amazing, talented people who I admire so much and I just know that I can never be as good as they are. Sure, part of that is my utter lack of self-esteem, but a big part of it is also the knowledge that I'm not as clever as SJ or as funny as Angie, and never will be. I love these women, but there are times I read a really great post (nearly every post SJ writes, actually) and there's that tiny green monster in me that hates them for being so much better than me.

This isn't a new phenomenon. When I was younger I would get mad at Olympic Gymnasts, because I'd never be able to do that. It's only been in the past few years I have stopped hating actors my age for their success at my age. If I'm not successful by now no one should be, dammit. At the end of the day it's always been the writers that make me the most jealous. I have a friend who's been published dozens of times, and has written over seven books, and just keeps going. Then there's Suzan who just finished her ump-teenth book and I strongly suspect she's the best bodice-ripper-writer evar. I don't even write romance and I'm jealous... though I did have some erotica published in a magazine and was paid for it. No you can't read it. I think there are like two people ever that knew me that I allowed to read it. Writing sex is embarrassing, especially when people you know are reading it. I digress.

It's not a simple case of if I'm just so jealous why don't I write and feel better. I do write, well, I write here anyway. And I write random paragraphs when I get a particularly good sentence or phrase in my head, but they never go anywhere. At the end of the day something the size of this post will have one really good sentence, if I'm lucky. Well hell, if you the reader are lucky. It's like a treasure hunt!
Honestly though, it's hard to come to terms with mediocrity. I want to be better for the people who read my site, I want to be better for my own sake. I want someone other than my husband to nominate me for the Best of Blog awards. (No, I'm not asking you to nominate me. I've already been nominated, I'm just a little embarrassed that it was Joe who did it. It's also one of the reasons I love him so much, so it all works out at the end of the day as far as that's concerned.) I don't think I can ever tell you all how much it means that you come here and read me and that you like me, right now you really like me. 'Cause that's how pitiful I am, and how much I need that validation.
Maybe I should go take my meds...

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