A Census Taker Tried To Test Me Once

I want to eat my baby.

Seriously! Every time I pick him up I have this primal urge to gnaw his face off. What the hell is up with that? I read once where our instinct to kiss babies is based in science, as it helps to pass on all the lovely protective antibodies. So that makes perfect sense. But nowhere in my vast experience have I read what makes me want to go dingo and eat my baby.

I've caught myself with Jack's entire foot or hand in my mouth making famished pygmy noises. If I didn't already know that I was an insane person I'd be highly concerned. Do you do this internet? Do you "jokingly" gnaw on cheeks, chin, nose and ears? Or are you now all individually calling your local police to track me down and have me committed? That's why all my friends are online. I am afraid people would put me away if they knew me for real. I kid, in a way. I also digress.

As far as I know cannibal doesn't run in my family, though my Mexican roots could in theory be traced back to the Aztec, and those were some bloodthirsty mo-fo's. I promise if the urge becomes too strong that I will get help. I will go to the crazy hospital and say "Doctor, you have to help me. I keep laughing at A Cry in the Dark and trying to figure out what body part to substitute for baby carrots*".

Help me internet. I'm sick.


*Fingers and toes, duh.