blargh

So I am back in my foul mood, which worries me since today is the last day I work with the bitch. But, it's the last day I work with her, which helps, and I intend to be heavily medicated today as well. Stupid period.

Caleb is visiting for a few days, so all our schedules and habits are thrown out of orbit. I don't have a lot of structure, but every time it goes away I realize how fond I am of the bits I do have. I should work on structuring the rest of my time better. I know I'd achieve so much more, but well, I'm just too lazy. Which applies to me not making the schedule, and why I don't want to in the first place. Doesn't help that I am working on breaking my caffeine habit, and am a lot less active than normal. I need a nice safe legal version of speed. That would be swell.

Anyway, I mostly wanted to send up a warning flag about my mood.
I'm going to go make some food now.

Is this just me?

I'm an overly dramatic person, I can admit it. I often get worked up about things that aren't really worth it in the long run, or form an instant disliking for a person that turns into gut wrenching hate.
Which is the situation here. Gut wrenching, acid filled, bring on the ulcer disliking for a person. Who I happen to work with and can't really avoid or ignore. I've tried, oh GOD I've tried, and this morning when I first went in to work things were going to well that I thought "Oh, I'm not going to have to go to the managers about this". Then she reminded me ever so clearly why I despise her.
So imagine crazy busy work time. Customers overflowing and everyone has to bust their butts to keep up. I call over to her "Hey, when you are done with that can you come help us" she looks up and tells me "I'm going to take the trash out". Customers OUT THE DOOR and she can't be bothered. (Which wouldn't be that big of a deal if she weren't constantly slacking off and putting the work off onto others.) Then later she asked a question, and when I answered she looked me straight in the eye and said "I refuse to answer to you".
I've been there for over a year altogether, and while I may not be a manager it's only because I turned down the promotion, and despite that I have seniority on her and WHERE THE HELL does she get off talking to me like that? In front of a manager? Who oh, by the way, didn't call her on it which just made it feel all that much worse to me.

I like the location I work at, but there are two other stores in town that I could also go to since our owner runs them all. I don't want to leave the people I work with, but since none of the other stores will take her (after she walked out on a shift she was "fired" until the manager at our store said she could have another chance. But only our store is willing to provide it) I'm going to have to be the one who takes the cut in the hours or the transfer. Because I cannot work with her. The stress is making my physically ill and it's just not worth it to me.
So now I have to lay down my semi-ultimatum (I'm really not saying it has to be me or her) to my bosses who are already amazing about working around my availability, but how much are they going to put up with? You can't waltz in and announce how things are going to be done when you are there. Although this bitch has done it and no one else at my store seems to see why that is a problem.

So I'm wondering if this is just me overreacting? Am I the only one who can dislike people so much it causes illness? Should I just suck it up and be an adult? (Though I've tried, really I have and that just isn't working) Do other people get this angry? I never know if it's how people are, or just me and my disease.
But I have to stop ranting now because my stomach hurts.

Edited to add: I've spoken with my manager and will no longer be scheduled with the bitch. I won't be losing hours. Makes me wonder which one of us will.
Also? I started my goddamned period again. The first time I went off Depo this happened but I was able to fix it by going on the pill because we didn't know then that it could kill me. Now I just get to deal. Lovely. Explains my emotions for the past few days though.

The Little Things

So Mixter asked me to do the five random things meme, and I finally saw it, so I guess I should.
So.
Yeah.
Five random things about me.
1. I have been paid for acting, singing and writing. The writing was erotica. The acting and singing weren't.
2. I have 20 piercings in my ears.
3. I once had the Natalie Portman/ Sinead O'Connor head shaved look.
4. I am severely addicted to caffeine, but only in the form of Dr. Pepper (and it's generics). I hate all other soda.
5. I don't wear makeup. It's not a hippie thing, or a feminist thing, it's mostly a sweat thing and an I can't see wasting the time thing. When I do wear even the slightest bit of makeup (mascara and blush) everyone notices. I clean up well.

Now I want Moxiemomma to do this BUT she has to do five things that aren't on her 100 things list.

Lots of people are wondering if I will be attending BlogHer, and GOD I would love to go, I really would, but I am not. It's the money really. Even if I could come up with it there are so many other things that it could be spent on that I just can't justify the expense. If I made money off my blog, then I would be able to, because it would be work related, but I'm just not that dedicated and I'm not willing to quit cursing for Google AdSense. So I'll just be staying home turning green reading all the wonderful recaps that will be written. I don't think SJ is going either. We should organize some kind of online party where all the moms get drunk at the same time and blog about it. That could be hi-larious.

And finally:
(this is the best part)
A couple weeks ago SJ wrote about how she saw a minivan commercial, and realized she'd become that person who lusts after minivans. I commented that I was going through the same thing after Jack was born wanting to have my mom's van for all the lovely room it has. So anyway, today my mom was telling me that their other van didn't work all that well, but it still had at least a year on it, and that oh by the way, she and my father were giving it to me!
I'm getting a free van!
Sure, it's old and will need a transmission soon, but it's free! And mine!
We are now officially a three vehicle family which is awesome, but makes us sound much more well off than we are. We're more like those white trash families who have five junkers in the yard, except we aren't white trash and all the vehicles run, but you know what I mean.
Yippee!

American Psycho

When you are depressed your shrink asks if your regular activities have * lost interest for you. Looking at how little I've been online in the past couple of weeks, I think it'd be pretty safe to say they have. What's also interesting is that I told my shrink not to worry about me unless I started not going to appointments. I then proceeded to miss my next two. (One was legitimate in that it wasn't scheduled properly. The other was totally me not wanting to go anywhere.)
I've been going to work, which is encouraging, but I just haven't been doing much else. I know a large part of the reason I've not been online is having to use the desktop now that my laptop is broken, but when I am staring at the computer thinking "I need to check my email and post" and then can't even motivate myself to do so then something's gotta give.

Did I mention I've been really slacking off in the taking the medicine department? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's the thing that has to give. It didn't really occur to me when I was on my three week period, because anyone is going to feel like hell if they are on their period for three weeks. But that's done now (FINALLY) (Thank God) and I still feel kind of crappy, and I hate everyone and I really should take my Xanax before I go to work. (I mentioned the new woman whom I despise, right? I despise her. I worked with her today. That's what got me thinking about the meds.)

So anyway, I guess what I am saying is that Jack's Raging Mommy needs to rage less so that she can rage more. Is that ironic or an oxymoron or what? There should be a word for that. Other than crazy, I've got that one all wrapped up.

*As I was writing this Jack took five steps in a row. FIVE!

February Books

February 1-21
Men At Arms - Terry Pratchett *
Night Watch - Terry Pratchett*
The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
The Death Pit- Tony Strong*
The Ballad of the Sad Cafe and Other Stories- Carson McCullers
The Right Address- Carrie Karasyov and Jill Kargman
The Genius Factory- David Plotz
American Psycho- Bret Easton Ellis***
Running With Scissors- Augusten Burroughs
Girl In Landscape- Jonathan Lethem
The Year of Magical Thinking- Joan Didion

February 21-28
Nights of Rain and Stars- Maeve Binchy
Lords and Ladies- Terry Pratchett*
Less Than Zer0- Bret Easton Ellis
Junky: the Definitive Text- William S. Burroughs
The Botox Diaries- Janice Kaplan and Lynn Schnurnberger

I also attempted to read Get A Life, since it won the Nobel Prize for Literature. I got a couple of chapters in and thought "The Nobel? Seriously?"

* Re-read
*** Took way too fucking long to read. Just watch the movie.

What the hell kind of drug is the internet on lately?

MY GOD.
So I was offline for a week. It seems in that time I've missed about four separate scandals that all seem to peripherally involve the concept of "the cool kids on the blog" or who gets to go to conferences. You know, I've already fessed up about my blog-envy, but maybe I should have been more clear.

Last year, when "everyone" went to BlogHer, I was green- absolutely green- with envy. Why couldn't I be one of the cool kids? Why am I such a non-entity on the internet? I'm clever too! Why won't anyone notice me? Or love me? When I found out it was an open conference that (most) people paid to attend, my jealousy abated somewhat. At that point I was just envious of the people that could afford to go and could figure out what to do with their young'un for that time. But there was still that voice in the back of my head that told me that certain people would have still all ended up getting drunk together in the hotel room and I totally would not have been invited. I think only one of them would have known who I was, based on the one attendee who has replied to a comment I've made.
Here's the thing though: even though I'm not one of the cool kids, and I was jealous as hell, and I wouldn't have gotten drunk with them -even though I can totally hold my alcohol and I'm a lot of fun- despite all of that I don't hate those who do fit that description. I'm a fairly evil bitch and it would never occur to me to A) Hate someone B) Start a members-only blog to bitch about people by name or C) Attack said people on their own websites.

Holy God people! Someone having comments does NOT mean they encourage or are asking for hate mail. It means that they enjoy intelligent, and funny discourse with others on the internet who share their sense of humor. If you don't like what they have to say, simply don't go back to their page. If you are utterly incapable of that level of consideration, at least attempt to point out your issue with them in an intelligent way, and to their "face" (on their site as opposed to starting an internet slam book about them). If you aren't capable of even that small consideration then you forfeit all right to be offended when they then stand up for themselves.

Somehow the trolls have gotten it into their heads that they can curse people, and insult them and trash them by name, but that the victims should "take it" and have no right to defend themselves. What is further ironic is that when the victims do defend themselves the trolls say that no one has a right to talk about other people. Do what now? You started this bitch fest madam troll! Now shut up and take your medicine. Without sugar!

I'm sad that people I like are being attacked by small minded fools who forgot how to act human, and have forgotten that acting the way that they are makes it even less likely for them to be liked. So what if the popular kids don't link to you and you link to them? I link to a lot of people who don't link to me, or know I exist. There are people who link to me that I don't have linked (though I have visited every site that has me linked. But I am small enough to do that), but I don't send hate emails demanding why I am not listed. It's their website, not mine. If it bothered me that much I would be free to de-link them and no longer read their site. But I don't, because as childish, and rage filled, and stupid as I can be, even I am not that petty.

That's what this all comes down to I think. People feel small like they did back in school, but since they are hiding behind a computer they grow the balls to "stand up" in a way they never could before. The problem is that they are punishing innocent people for pain that was caused by others a long time ago. These women don't get together and make up lists for one another about who is cool and who isn't. They don't plan topics, or site design, or causes. If two people happen to talk about the same thing it is neither a plot, nor someone copycatting another in an attempt to be cool.

WE ARE NOT IN HIGH SCHOOL ANYMORE.

Yes, we all know girls who did these things, but guess what? They grew up and so did you and the people on the internet aren't the head cheerleader whispering to everyone in English that you are a loser. If you honestly believe this, or are incapable of getting past feeling persecuted by the in crowd, then get offline and get into therapy. It's the best advice I can provide.

Ramblings with poor grammar

It was 68 degrees here yesterday, and to celebrate the warmth we took Jack to the park for the first time. After plopping him down in the sand I sat down next to him waiting for the joy on his face at this new wonder. Alas, it was not to be. He started to crawl over to me, but as soon as his hands touched the sand he drew them back up as if he'd been burned. (He hadn't, if anything the sand was cool). This went on for about ten minutes. He'd want to go somewhere, put his hands down to crawl, and yank them back up in disgust. My son doesn't like the sand. Is he going to outgrow this? Am I doomed to years of no sandboxes or beaches? I suppose I could look at the brightside that he'll stay where put until he can stand up and walk without propping on his hands first, but it just made me sad.
(Yes, I do know he'll outgrow it. I am being facetious. It's me, what did you expect?)

Today is my third day off in a row, and while I like it, and need it, and love not getting out of my pajamas of a day, I find myself pleased that I am working tomorrow. Now, I did mention all the clueless new people right? I know I didn't tell you the story of the new person who made me so mad I actually said something rude to her and then was so angry my hands shook for the rest of the day. (What's great is when I can go to my managers and say "I said something rude and inappropriate in front of a lot of people" and NOT get in any trouble. They love me there. What's more, annoying new girl has pissed off the wrong person and will not be there long. Ahh. Misused power.) My point being that the entire last week of work sucked hard, and in so many ways, so why the FUCK am I looking forward to it? What does that say about my life? Or my home for that matter?
I've never been that person who said they'd still work after winning the lottery. Hell no. I knew my ass would quit. So why is it that even though it may not be the lottery, the fact that I don't technically have to work doesn't seem to be sinking in? I'm taking on extra shifts, going in early (I still won't stay late though. By the end of a shift I'm very much with the "screw you hippies I'm going home") and covering for people I don't even like. Is the needing to be out of the house that bad?

At any rate, I am working tomorrow. Which makes me oddly happy. I actually may be working for the next six days, by which point I'm sure I'll have reverted to my normal, not getting dressed and leaving the house self. Really, it's win win.

Hi bitches!

So you know how I work really part time so that I can practically live on the internet? Oh, and practically be a stay at home mom? Yeah, so the last two weeks haven't been so part time, and what with the dead laptop and my not wanting to get my ass off the couch I haven't been online.
But I am alive, and all is well, and hi there my bitches! I'm back!

Jack took his first unassisted steps the other day. I gasped so loudly I scared Joe, and then of course I called my mother since I seem to have a more than slightly clingy relationship with her. I think it is a sign I need more real life friends so I am seriously considering going with someone I know to a group aimed at moms with children who aren't quite in school. (Aren't I coy by not technically saying the group name and trying to avoid drama other moms on the net have had by saying group names?) I'll let you know how that works out if I go, but I really don't get along with women in real life, so I am really hesitant.

Did you ever see American Psycho? You know the scene where his lists his daily shower regimen? Well, in the book that list is twice as long. And oh yeah, the whole book is filled with lists of clothes, food, jobs, business cards, and beauty products. I get it. It was the Eighties. They were materialistic. Now please just get on with the story! I've never been this let down reading the book of a movie I like.
As far as books go I'm only on my seventh for the month. I must be losing my touch or something. Stupid work. I want them to give me two weeks off again, but it's unlikely as we have assloads of new people and I am apparently the best trainer evar. Look, this is an easy ass job. If you can't figure this shit out in your first two days you wont. If they want to use me to ensure good employees they ought to let me do the hiring. I'm batting a thousand so far with my initial assessments. (I know I sound like it, but I'm not really hating work right now, just incompetent new people. Here's a thought, don't hire a person who lists their high school GPA as 2.0. I'm just sayin')

I really am sorry about the hiatus, and I'll try to do better, and I was really touched by the people who were worried about me in my absence.
Keep it real, homegirls!

I'm SMRT

Today while demonstrating how to properly prep an onion, I used a little too much force and went straight through the onion into my hand with a brand new knife.
Onion juice in a cut is not what I'd call pleasant.

We have to take Jack back to the doctor's office tomorrow, since the antibiotics aren't stopping the progression of whatever Uber infection he has. I have a very unhappy baby.

And I am still on my period.

(Edited to Add: I sent my first report to the FBI tonight. It was a mild example, and from out of the country so I am not sure what, if anything , can be done about it. I'll keep you posted.)

Grey's Anatomy

I just kept saying "You can't end the episode there!".

Snot nose diaries

We are surrounded by sick children. Jack has bronchitis, after dealing with a cold for a couple weeks that decided to move down to his lungs. I feel really bad for the little guy, we have him on antibiotics but it's always hard when your baby feels bad and you can't make it better.
Caleb has been with us for a few days since his mom just had her new baby, and he's got a cold as well. Then to top it all off his mom just called to say she's in the hospital with the new baby. He has a 103 degree fever, and they are talking about doing a spinal tap.

Joe is going to go pick up Caleb's other brother from their aunt, then take them both to the hospital so that set of grandparents can pick them up and take care of them while their mom is at the hospital with the baby.

At least I don't have to feel guilty, since even though Jack was around the new baby the other day it would take a week for bronchitis to show up. I let Caleb's mom know he had it so that she could keep an eye out for signs, and she'll be able to tell the hospital he's been exposed as well.

I am really not her biggest fan, but no parent should have to go through the fear of a very sick newborn. I hope everything else works out okay, and if you all could keep them in your thoughts or prayers I'd appreciate it.

On the homefront my laptop still hates me, and I'll have to set up one of my much less powerful desktops. (I have three. I am a geek. I wear it with pride.) I got my laptop for $400 about three years ago, even though it was a $1000 machine, because I bought it off someone I knew, and on top of that she let me make payments. I'm not likely to find that sweet of a deal again, so yet another reason to be sad. And angry, and in denial. I've got all the stages of grief going here.

I'm glad everyone likes the strawberries. I was quite pleased with how it turned out myself. The only problem is that every time I go online I get cravings. :)

Son of a Bitch

So my laptop decided to die. I have other computers, and I'll get around to setting one up, but my appearances may be sporadic for a bit. Not to mention I have to figure out how to back up my hard drive so I can still have all my content.
Fuck.