Happy Half Birthday (a day late), Jack!

I have been trying to compose some sort of letter to Jack kind of post to commemorate his sixth months on this planet, but I'm not finding anything terribly clever or funny to say. I'm amazed that it's been so long already. He was a big baby to begin with, but he's gotten so big that I do find myself missing my tiny little baby who would crawl up and snuggle his head into my neck to go to sleep. I just tried to do that again a few minutes ago and was met with incessant crying until I put him down in his crib where he is now sleeping like... a baby. No more laying with me on the couch or in bed and falling asleep, those times are much to fun to sleep! It's play with mommy's face and hair time now.

However, also gone are the waking up five times every night, and the constipation, and the croup. He sleeps through the night, eats his cereal and baby food, and is even starting to call me "mama" and Joe "bla bla" so I think the trade off is more than fair.
My love for Jack is still frightening in it's strength, and every day it seems like he does something new that melts my heart. Today I walked back in the living room from the kitchen only to looks around wildly. "Joe! Where's the baby?" Joe sat bolt upright and began to laugh, because Jack was under the coffee table at my feet. When I leaned over I was greeted with an enormous smile as if to say "Isn't this a fun game! Let's play it some more!".

Jack sits up for over 20 minutes at a time if he's not crawling all over the living room. His range of exploring is increasing, as evidenced by the coffee table incident, and if I don't get him a fence soon ($68 on Amazon) I am going to have to get a gate for the hallway and jerry rig something to keep him out of the kitchen and dining room. It would be a bit frightening how mobile he is, if it wasn't so fascinating to watch something catch his eye and the single minded determination he shows in getting there. Especially when I am the target and he is looking up with his smile that shows I am his favorite thing in the world right then.

I've always been the wild one, the rebel, the one who bucked the system and did what people didn't want me to. So why then has motherhood become the most fulfilling thing I've ever done? People who knew me before I got married and had Jack are amazed, but none of them can be more amazed than I.
I love my life, I love my husband and I love Jack, and that is alright with me.

Abortion- a very unclear look

Abortion is the hot-button topic here lately, even though I don't usually delve into things that deep.
So I've been thinking about explaining my beliefs on the subject, the problem being that they are so hard to define. I am ambivalent in the textbook etymological sense of the word.

I'm a birth-mother as regular readers know. Obviously that situation was one where the thought of abortion crossed my mind. It wasn't the decision I made, but that doesn't mean a person faced with the same circumstances who made the other choice is wrong. The fact that I couldn't make the choice doesn't give me the right to decide for others. I can't condemn someone for making a decision based on their circumstances and experience. Do you know how many people have criticized and belittled me for having my eldest be adopted? And most of these people were pro-life. I never want to do that to someone. This is why we live in a democracy, and a free country. If one person had the right to make decisions for everyone based on their personal morality, we'd be living in a fascist state, and we aren't quite yet.

It's not that simple, I know it's not that simple. In fact, this post has now been sitting as a draft for over a week, because I can't think of how to say what I feel coherently. Abortion makes me sad. Sad for the fetus/embryo/baby, and sad for the mother. I'm not trying to play down the pregnancy, but there is so much argument about what to call it, that I'm actually afraid to use certain terms. Do I think it's life? Yes, but I also know that up to a certain point it's not life life. Yogurt is alive, after all, but we eat it. And now I feel like a bitch for that analogy. Do you see what I mean about being torn? I don't think it's an easy topic, an easy decision or an easy conversation. But because I recognize how hard it actually is, I recognize I can never understand what someone is going through.

I also cannot begin to fathom how people respond to abortion with violence. What is wired wrong in their minds that murder -by every definition including the Bible's- becomes their solution. It's sad too, but also evil on a level that frightens me. I also understand the peaceful protestors, but not the ones who call women whores and murderers, often without knowing if that woman is only at a clinic for birth control. I flat out despise people who use pictures supposedly of aborted fetuses to scare and disgust people. They seem to take some righteous pleasure out of it, and that is just sick.

So this isn't clear, it makes no good points and reaches no conclusion that could influence anyone's opinion. I just hope that the way I see the situation is a bit clearer. I also believe very strongly that once we allow our freedoms to be taken away, that we will begin to lose the ones that aren't controversial as well. Giving the devil a foothold, to be ironic.
I don't want to offend anyone. These are just my thoughts.

Oh feet.

So, it's been eight months since I worked last, and about a year since I had a job where I had to stand. Almost a year and a half since I last had this specific job. Keeping all those numbers in mind, GOD my feet hurt.
I'm a lazy person by nature, so even though being a full time SAHM is hard work, it's not always work that requires being on one's feet for hours. Add my extra weight, and it's painfully obvious how badly out of shape I am. I've been doing a little bit of yoga just to improve my range of motion, and it's helped some. Honestly I think the weight will come off more quickly now as much work as I'm doing, so it's worth it. In the mean time though, did I mention my feet hurt?

Luckily Joe's a wonderful man and he does nice things for me so I don't have to get up, even if I am closer to the desired object. Have I mentioned today that I love him? I do. Now I'm off to tell him that too.

News Bulletin

Today is Joe's first day having Jack by himself for longer than two or three hours. (Yes, Jack is going to be six months old tomorrow. He's been lucky so far.)
I think the 7 hour day will be eye opening for him, but he says it wont be a problem.
Maybe I will have him post tonight about his adventures.

Dear Comment Spammers, (Profanity Ahead)

Hello there again, I am Jack's Raging Mommy.

I must say, I have come to accept your existence. In order for my readers without Blogger accounts or websites in general to comment I leave my comments open, understanding that you will appear. Most of you have the decency to leave your comments in my latest post, making it all the more easy for me to delete you.

However.

There is a special sort of hell reserved for a certain branch of your kind. This branch leaves comment spam in old posts. As Blogger does not specify what post has been commented in I have no way of knowing what you have defiled. So today I decided to hit the archives and do some clean up. That's when I found the FIVE drunk/milf/glory hole comments in my wedding photos. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? Those are my WEDDING pictures. Regardless of the fact that I am female, you left the porn links in my fucking WEDDING PHOTOS.

You see mister comment spammer, it is possible for us to live in peace. Leave your non-porn links in my most recent posts and we will have a nice symbiosis. BUT if you leave porn in old posts, especially wedding photos or photos of my son, I WILL FIND A WAY TO MAKE YOU FEEL MY WRATH. They prosecute spammers nowadays. I have three site trackers. I see you! I see your IP! I will hunt you down. I am a crazy woman, you should not mess with me.

Fuck you again,
Jack's Raging Mommy

Jack

1126 011, originally uploaded by Jack's Raging Mommy.

I'm going to eat him up.

Anyway

God I hate my job. I'd describe it, but you'd know right away where I work, and it's simplest not to, if for no other reason than that freaks could find me in the real world. Anyway.

The job itself isn't hard, and the people aren't bad, there's just this one person. This one person had a lot to do with the circumstances that led up to how I quit. I'd put in my notice, so she had my hours cut so severely I literally couldn't afford to stay in town, and had to leave for Omaha two weeks early. (This one person happened to be our newly appointed General Manager who felt the need to "shake things up" and make her presence known.) Meaning I left before my notice was up, after telling them repeatedly I needed more hours and why. Then they had the gall to seem surprised that I was leaving early. Okay, now I am getting pissed off again, not good. Anyway.

So I am back at work, and witch woman is still there, but had a hand in the begging of me to come back. Today in fact while discussing the new store opening in town, she was feeling around about promoting me. God how I hate you witch woman. I don't work with her often (I hope) and there is something nice about being asked back somewhere that you didn't exactly leave on the best terms. And in answer to your feelers? No I don't want a promotion. No I don't want to go back to being a closer. No I don't want to work seven hour shifts, and I really don't want more than 20 hours a week. When I don't want hours I get them in abundance. When I need them to survive they give me less than ten a week. Christ-a-mighty. But anyway.

So I'm working, and the job isn't bad, but no matter how much you suck up I still hate you witch woman. I hold grudges like a mo-fo.

(EDIT: Everyone please put their thoughts and prayers with Miss Domestic (Paige) right now as she is going through a difficult time. Jen and her aunt can also use your love right now as well.)

Unsolicited Advice (and Likely TMI)

There's something perverse about an eating disorder. I for one used laxatives a lot, and to this day I have a hard time using medicine to counter-act natural occurrences. (I'm trying to be couth here.)
The same goes for flu season. I pray every year to catch the flu. Do you know how much weight you lose that way? Unfortunately I always feed the damn fever.

So here's my unsolicited advice. If you find yourself feeling ill, and the nearest receptacle is the kitchen sink, use the side with the garbage disposal. It is so much easier to clean up.

(I did mention that my gag reflex is on a hair trigger right now, right?)

I've been listening to a bunch of Barenaked Ladies and The Killers today, and as such am in a great mood. I advise anyone who needs a good mood to do the same.

Shuffle up and deal

You know how you can tell when a baby is very tired? When you lay him down in his crib and there is absolutely zero protest. None whatsoever. Ahhh, sweet baby silence.

Now on with the post.

I am rapidly becoming addicted to online poker. Play money, I'm not really betting, relax.
I play at Poker Stars, usually 10/20 fixed limit Texas Hold'em. The thing is, I am very specific about how I play, and how I like others to play, and there are a lot of dumbasses on the internet.
For instance? Don't raise before the flop. Not on a fixed limit play money table, and especially not when you don't even have suited cards, let alone a pair. Jeez.

Also? Don't raise the max every time it's your turn. If you have something, fine, but I promise you if I call and you have nothing, I am cursing you out on this end. A lot. Voraciously. And if you win, show your cards. Prove you had it, and don't be a rude bastard. There is so much sloppy play out there.

This causes me to table hop a lot, and start my own tables a lot. There's another annoyance, when I start my own table and some jerkwad ruins it for me. This one player and I started at least five tables last night trying to have a decent table. There is no way to set rules for a table, limits and such are pre-set. So some ass ruins it, off I go to another. I am sure there are folks who think I am following them. I'm not, really.

All in all though it's a really good time. A really good waste of time, that is. Fun at any rate. I want a poker night now though, and I only know one person who plays and I wouldn't be welcome at his testosterone driven "guys night". Sigh.

Well,

There is one good thing about the job in relation to this site...
I usually have plenty to rant about.
Maybe I can even join the growing ranks of the cool kids who got fired for their web-sites.

woo?

So I got a job, which is really just the job I had here before I moved to Omaha.
We still have yet to see if this is a good thing.

It's raining men, except it's not men, it's just rain

I don't watch the weather. This has a lot to do with the fact that I don't watch the news on TV because I find local news boring and national news pisses me off. Even if that weren't the case though I have no compulsion to watch the weather, I don't get it really. I mean, look out the window. That's the weather. There are a couple exceptions. If it has already snowed -which I hate- and may snow again, which I hate more, I might check. Especially if there is driving involved. As I don't leave the house much in general though, it's just not an issue for me.

In my family though I am pretty much alone in my beliefs. Joe will go so far as to go online to check weather instead of turning on the weather channel, which you'd think I'd be grateful for as much as I hate the weather channel, but when we were on dialup and about to walk out the door it would drive me nuts. You know how it is, you have the baby ready and strapped in his seat which is only a very short window between that and a moving car before the screaming starts, and here's someone wanting to add another 10 minutes. Seriously makes me want to scream.

My brother has a thing about storms, so he used to watch the weather channel every chance he got (read: when I wasn't around) and it even drove my parents crazy. I think my mom actually put the parental control on the weather channel so that he had to stop. Funny story, a while back my parents were on vacation so Ben went to stay with someone from their church. Apparently this guy only watched the weather channel and the Outdoor/Sportsman's channel. This is ironic on two levels, as Ben had finally outgrown his obsession with weather and it drove him crazy, and as my parents only ever watch ESPN but Ben couldn't grasp why this man never watched but the one or two channels. I just figured it was karma.

This is all to say that I noticed the clouds covering the sky last night, but still managed to be surprised when I heard the rain.
The End.

I'm not turning into a photo-blogger, I promise.

Yesterday was laundry day, and since I don't put laundry away immediately anyway, I used the baskets to fence in my very, very active child.
I want to get one of those fences for babies, but I always imagine Jack singing "Don't fence me in".









Now, Jack has geek in the blood. It's pretty well ingrained. Why then was I so surprised when he started showing the signs at four months? This is Jack with his remote, an old VCR one that I took the batteries out of.
He likes wires too. That's not so cute.

Musings

• *Did you know that a British pound sterling is $1.77 right now? How freakin' sad is that?
• *I have got to find a closer Laundromat. Also? I hate it when they are written as "laundry-mats". That's not the word!
• *Joe may be flying for a job interview in Hammond, IN this weekend. I know at least one of you will be excited about that.
• *I don't mind porn, but don't chose it over me. I can get that you are tired, but don't do that. I'm a bit pissed.
• *Jack has a tooth or many teeth or a whole mouthful coming in or something and we're all miserable.
• *We have assigned parking spaces. How many chances do I give someone before having them towed? I mean, I am a bitch. The only reason I didn't do it to redneck over-revving of the truck-man today was that the marking on our space was somewhat faded. I've fixed that.
• *I Naired my arms, out of boredom and curiosity. It's weird.

The End.

(Blogger's spell-check wanted to make "freakin'" into "foreskin". That made me laugh.)

The dining room Mark 2.














We got a highchair, and had peas for the first time. Those things seem to be okay with Jack.

Rough Riding

Man I am having a hectic weekend. We had Caleb from Thursday to yesterday. It was a great visit, our best yet easily. The thing is, four year olds ask a LOT of questions. Constantly "Why" "Why" "Why" until I thought I was going to pull out my hair. And since Caleb has bonded with me now, all the questions over all three days were aimed at me. I would look over and beg Joe to take a shift.
I think the hardest thing about being a step-mom is the sudden-ness of it. I've been thrown into being a mom to a four year old when I am still trying to figure out how to be a mom to a four month old, and Jack is already five months as it is. It's rough.

My father in law, who is great but seems mildly senile at times, and brother in law came down to help us unload more things from our storage unit yesterday. I wasn't sure whether to be offended or not when pa-in-law asked if my rolltop desk was from a flea market. I just nicely told him, no, it had been in the family since it was new, and that it was a father's day present for my dad about fifteen years ago. Then we all went out to eat at a local barbecue place. Here's a little secret: I don't like barbecue. So that was rough too.

Today so far we've unloaded all the furniture and such that was in our truck, and started putting those things away and unpacking more boxes. I still don't have all my kitchen things after about four or five huge boxes. Later we get to go do laundry. Oh, and I've already been to Wal-Mart today, so yeah, another rough day.

However the bright side to all of this is that it was also a good weekend, and I feel somewhat useful for a change. And the boys are sleeping so I have some time to myself. Yippee!

*sigh*

I am a Liberal

Stolen from Mixter, who in turn stole it from the author at Biomes Blog.
I concur. (Edit: See the comments for Joe's premier appearance on this blog)


Reply to anonymous conservative emailer:
Yes, I am a liberal. I'm not a moderate, I'm not a progressive. I'm a liberal. A label I am more proud of every day.
I do not hate America, I love her. And I believe in everything that is good about this country and I oppose everything that is not.
I despise corporate welfare.
I support the right of a woman to control her own body.
I believe every child should have access to the best education we can give them.
I oppose wars based on profit, greed and lies.
I believe it is our duty to protect ecosystems and biodiversity.
I want my children and grandchildren to inherit a healthy environment.
I believe that every person should be afforded the best health care regardless of their income.
I hate racism, sexism and homophobia.
I believe, as our founding fathers did, in the separation of church and state.
I favor fiscal responsibility and fairness in government.
I oppose cruelty to children, pets and wildlife.
I think the “"war on drugs"” is a sham.
I want energy independence and the emergence of alternative energy sources.
I don'’t want to see our country interfering in another nation's business, except to stop genocide or to encourage environmental responsibility.
I believe global warming is a real threat and that we need to take steps to stop this disaster in its tracks.
I believe in science, not mythology.
I think every American deserves the opportunities of an education and access to jobs that provides a living wage.
I believe in the free market, but that this free market must be regulated to protect the poor from the rich, the weak from the strong.
I believe in free speech and the right to criticize the government when it is acting against our people'’s interests.
I am anti-torture.
I am a liberal. Live with it and learn from it. You vote against your own interests. I vote for the interests of everyone.

You'll go blind!

Jack has discovered his junk.
I think it may be due to his (first ever- and boy am I depressed) diaper rash, and his instinctual need for the scratching of the nuts. The first time he grabbed I figured it was an accident, however he's been batting a thousand since then. Phallic imagery intended.

We have yet to have experienced the pure joy of grabbing poop covered balls, but it's only a matter of time, I know it. Frankly I am terrified. I hate the poop enough as it is. For instance? Jack just started with sweet potatoes the other day, and yesterday when I went to get him from him nap I could smell it as soon as I opened the door. Then I started walking towards the crib. As I got closer the stink radius I started to gag. * I had to call Joe in from the other room to change Jack because I couldn't deal with it. The smell had volume.
So how in the world am I going to deal with Jack and the poop covered hands?

No worries though internet, I will tell you all about it.


* Ok, so I am on the depo provera shot, and haven't missed a dose or anything like that, but am paranoid as hell that I am pregnant again. I've not had even a trace of anything remotely period like in a couple months, and I've only had two shots. It usually takes longer than that to turn off the tap. The other part of this fear is that my gag reflex is on a hair trigger, something that usually only happens when I am pregnant. I'm due for a shot in a month so I may just have them check then. /side rant

"I see angels, Mickey."

I'm not the doom-saying type, but it really does seem like the world is coming to an end lately. You have all the ultra-religious fanatics saying that it's God's judgment on our sins, but have they considered that it's God's judgment for being in an unjust war? I think not.

This earthquake has me depressed and cynical. It originally hit in Pakistan, but it's now being called Asia. I understand that Pakistan is somewhat a part of Asia, and that the damage spread, but my cynical side says that they refer to it as Asia so that Americans will feel sympathy. Pakistan is also somewhat Middle-Eastern, and that's enough for many people in this country to condemn them. I freaking hate racism and blanket judgments like that. The world doesn't hate Canada for being next to us, why do we do this to other countries? Because as a nation we are self-centered little children. People don't learn the difference between countries because no country matters but the US. (You do understand that these are NOT my views, right?)

My neighbors are Iranian. The night I met them they were adjusting their satellite signal, and I thought I recognized the language so I asked if "Salaam" was the correct greeting. I explained that I'd worked with a guy from Iran who taught me that. It was just a simple "Hi, I'm your new neighbor" chat. Well, when I mentioned to my mom that they were Iranian the first instinctive reaction was a look of horror on her face. When I pointed out that the hijackers on 9/11 were primarily Saudi Arabian she conceded the point, and admitted she was actually critical of President Bush on the fact of his friendship with the Saudis. For my mother to admit that the man has done anything wrong is huge. So yes, once she used her brain she was rational. But the news and the Republican party -and hell yeah I blame the Republican party- have brainwashed her so badly that she was immediately afraid because my neighbors were Middle Eastern, even though we aren't even at war with their country.

This was supposed to be about natural disasters. Instead it's about the disaster that our country's hate is bringing about. And now I've made myself mad.

Another post from the void

This post goes along with the pictures, but chronologically it's before them. I'm confusing.

I currently posses:
One (1) sleeping baby
and
One (1) sleeping husband.

This is a wonderful state of being. Sure, I love them, but it's awfully nice to just have a little bit of time that is all mine. And it is all mine as we are in our -TA DAH!- new apartment. According to my laptop I am online with a very weak wireless signal, but as nothing can actually load I do not buy it. The cable person is coming Monday to bring us our cable modem box, and cable box/ -TA DAH!- DVR. Oh, and turn on the phone. I suppose that is kind of important as well. Though our basic cable is already on and both that and the phone can be done from their location without having to come here I have no idea why they'd turn on one and not the other. But whatever, I have TV.

Hey, I can take some pictures and post them with this. This is a very free-form kind of post at the moment, can you tell? I have the bathroom done, complete with new frog shower curtain and curtain rings. Relax, they aren't made of frog, they just have images of frogs. Luckily I am not that kind of crazy.

My parents gave us a couch and loveseat that they weren't using in the living room (which means my brother now no longer has his own couch and loveseat in his basement apartment. He's not so happy) since all we had was a futon couch and overstuffed chair that is ten years old. (But comfy as hell) So anyway, they are red plaid, and have the foot rests that come up, but there's one small problem.

My parents had dogs.

I'm allergic to dogs. I vaccumed them off before we brought them in, but if you've ever been around one you know how insidious dog hair can be. Furthermore, when the dogs (Sam -for Uncle Sam, and Bell- for Liberty Bell) were puppies they kind of used said couch and loveseat as chewtoys. The seat fabric is torn a lot, but they are still really comfortable so I am just going to cover them with a matching fabric and be done with it. I am cheap like that.

Anyway, I am still unpacking and organizing cabinets and whatnot, so I'll show you some pictures of the clutter too. I'm a giver.

A brief photo tour of the new digs

This is my new froggy shower curtain. Sideways.

This is the couch the dogs ate. See how I subtly covered the cushions?

These are the boxes in the kitchen/ dining room.

The boxes from another angle, so you can see even more of them. It looks vaguely better today.

I'm Back!

And in celebration I leave you with a rant I wrote in my hiatus. Enjoy!

Don't get me wrong. Julia Roberts is pretty. She's the "Pretty Woman" after all, and I won't deny in any way that she was pretty in that movie. I've never understood why they felt the need of a body double on the movie poster. How bad of a body image do they want to give us, anyway? I digress. Sure, she's pretty, but lately, she looks haggard. I don't just mean after she had the twins. She looks amazing for having had twins. The thing is, for about the last ten years she's fallen into the Hollywood "weigh as little as is humanly possible" game. It's not her fault. She's in her forties, and is still one of the highest paid actresses. As an Oscar winner she has to maintain cast-ability. So she works out and doesn't quite eat. With her mouth shape though, and facial structure she looks icky and skeletal instead of pretty and voluptuous. Think about it, she won her Oscar playing a chubby woman with cleavage. She couldn't quite achieve chubby, but with makeup and a push-up bra she got the cleavage bit. So why can't she just go with the flow of life and see that being a real woman makes her more believable as an actress? Because Hollywood says so.

Look at the past few years of awards. Charlize Theron won for "Monster" after gaining thirty pounds for the part. Nicole Kidman gained weight and a nose for her nod. Minnie Driver gained eighty pounds for her role in "Circle of Friends" and it made her a star. Then again, no matter how skinny she is nowadays she's considered a heavy woman. Angleina Jolie has always been voluptuous, even when playing the heroin addicted and naked Gia. (My God she was hot in that movie, no?)

What is wrong with our society? We tell our actresses to be skeletal, but then reward them when they gain weight and get ugly. It makes them realistic, and "serious" somehow.

I'm a little annoyed with the TV tonight. However, I went for a walk today, and am watching what I eat.
Sigh.
Not eating and taking laxatives would be so much easier.

Hi, My name is Jack's Raging Mommy. Will you be my friend?

I need parents friends. Don't get me wrong, I love you all dearly, but I have no one in my real life who has kids. Or really anyone married that is local. So all my friends I could hang out with don't want to hear about children, or how cute Jack was when he had cereal for the first time, or that he can sit up on his own already and at 5 months is wearing 9 and 12 month clothing. (Did I mention those things? Cause they're true, and I'm so proud, and frightened.)

I have one friend my age who has kids, but I was always friends with him and not his wife, and I just think if we were going to hang out the right thing to do would be to hang out with her. Plus, I have always wondered if she thought he and I had an affair. We didn't, but there was this whole chemistry thing and I've never been terribly comfortable around her. But now we have babies and could be mom friends together. How do you approach someone though? "Hi, we should hang out because we both have kids and I need friends?" She knows I am pretty crazy, but still.

I thought about commenting on the Craig's List St. Louis section, but oddly enough people on the internet terrify me. It's not really different from this, and how I've gotten to know some of you, but I am convinced anyone I met through there would be the bad kind of insane. Plus the fact that I am two hours from St. Louis essentially, and hanging out with anyone would be a rare occurrence. Then there's the fact that the reason I haven't broached the subject of getting together with a couple of bloggers I know in St. Louis is the whole insecurity thing. I just know they'd meet me in real life and see what an awkward, obnoxious loser I am and then they wouldn't ever talk to me, and they'd tell all the other popular girls on the internet not to talk to me anymore. I actually had something like that happen once in the sixth grade and I am still pretty scarred by it. I also never forgave the girls involved, cause I am petty like that. Is it really any wonder I need friends so badly?

I don't go to church, I don't want to hang out in parks like the creepy man in the trenchcoat looking to meet people, and there aren't a lot of cultural things such as museums to do in these here parts. I honestly have no clue how to meet people and make friends. All my old methods don't work for the couples/ children scenario. Any good advice out there in interweb land? It's safe to tell me, I'll still come back to you.

Random notes from rage world

Jack's Raging Mommy is full of rage. In celebration, I am posting random things.

* I can't get my "mailto" link to work on my email image over there -->. Help me interweb. EDIT: Thank you Paige. It's always one tiny part of the code.

* We will take possession of the key to our new (upstairs) apartment either tomorrow or Thursday. This may result in rage blackouts at this location. As I do not have therapy until tomorrow this could be a good thing.

* Therapy tomorrow= drugs

* Therapy tomorrow= terrible mood

* Irony is reading the memoir of an alcoholic while drinking.

* I still feel like a fat-ass pig. But I got a new shirt that I like, so that is something, right?

* Jack's been asleep for almost two hours. This is longer than his normal nap and will most likely throw off the rest of his day, but I can't bring myself to get him up because I am evil, and a bad mother.

* Should I show my boobs for Boobiethon? The pics are a couple years old, so I am not as fat in them as I am now, but I would still feel weird for people to see my face and boobs and know that they belong to this site. Especially as I say where I live. I guess I should read the guidelines for submission to see what is revealed- so to speak. EDIT: I am so doing this. They don't show your face or name (unless you want your name on a random contributors list). Who else is in?

* Even if we get our key tomorrow Joe and I have agreed we should stay here Wednesday night so that we can see Lost. Also? I am going to get TiVo. Because I need it.

* Reading the alcoholic's memoir is making me think I might have a problem. Is my inability to say that I do part of that whole denial thing? Or is it just that I don't actually?

* Ok, so I hate the word verification thing for comments, and I have people that don't link to a site, which you must do if word verification is on. I think putting email in for a website works, but I still have the problem of the really obnoxious verification process. Dammit.

I know there was other stuff, but I can't think right now. Rage makes my brain numb.

I hate my stupid ass. And belly. And arms... etc.

What the fuck happened to jeans sizing? I mean, they have to have fiddled with the sizing. There is no fucking way I'm that fat. Except that I am, and I'm really depressed about it. At least I didn't eat in response.

I tried to go jeans shopping today. I'd describe it, but it wasn't funny like my dress shopping experience. It was hell and I ended up not buying anything because I just can't bring myself to buy clothes in those sizes. I'm pretty sure I've gained back every one of those damn fifteen pounds, and probably plus some. Hell, I'm probably fatter than I was when I was nine months pregnant. I look like shit, I feel like shit, and there isn't a whole hell of a lot I can do about it right now.

Have you ever felt like dying because of how you look? I have, and far too often. I didn't want to kill myself today, so that's something. I was however in tears about it at least four times and unfortunately once in front of my mother who is trying to help, I do know that, but it doesn't help so shut the hell up. I didn't say that.

I hate myself right now. I'm disgusting, and ugly, and should not go out in public. It's too embarrassing.
Yes, I'm feeling a bunch of self pity. It's my blog, I'm allowed. If you don't like it, fuck off 'cause I am in no mood to be nice right now.